I OPTED FOR COMFORT

My feel was killing me. I forgot to ask for an upgrade so I went to the first toilet I could find and changed. So now I have some comforts. I figured if I can't have comfort in the plane - seat I mean - then I shall settle for feeling comfortable in my clothes. I don't feel particularly upset about the whole upgrade story but I would have loved to feel how people lived on that side heheheheehe.

I am ready and it all starts here. I am so excited but also so very sad, saying goodbye is never good. Ok ok there are some good goodbyes but saying goodbye to people you love is never good. So I managed to keep myself together for the past week but then I had to say goodbye to Skye. not good - I cried and only managed to pull myself together a few minutes ago.

I will miss them dearly and especially Lucas who refers to my flippy floppies as 'crocks'...I will hold on to these little gems and I am sure many a day to come I will have a smile on my face.

Goodbye for now! I will let you know when I get to Seoul.

'GOT TO HAVE FAITHA AFAITHA FAITHA....' (GEORGE MICHAEL)

I find that there is always someone or something that reminds you of something; or little bit of wisdom that you know but maybe just stored to deep in your unconscious mind. Then of course you get little enlightenment where you wondrously remember these little pearls at the right time. Like today. I am sure I am getting slightly nervous about my journey to Nigel. I am excited, don't get me wrong, of getting to be with Nigel finally.....but I am also a bit scared of all those little things that any person would be scared about e.g. will it be ok, will I make it, will he still like me etc etc etc...Yep it is about me wanting some sort of guarantee and I know that I cannot have one..there is nothing in life, I feel, that I can get a guarantee for...that will be wonderful but way too much to ask....SO I GOT TO HAVE FAITH.....faith in what I cannot see and I shall take any hand that is extended in my direction to ensure that I do not turn my nose up at any god sent.

YEP deep thinking today...fear brings that on hehehehehe....I am sat here typing this little para in the dark...I should be in bed...tomorrow will be far too short a day to get everything done that I think I need to get done.

I had such a lovely time the past few days though that I cannot go without mentioning that....staying with Skye, John and Lucas has been great...such good people they are...and I do think that anyone that can deal with me are saints...and of course Lucas is my little lifesaver..no not the sweet..the real thing...I shall miss him terribly and hope he will remember me.

I also realised that I am so fortunate in life. I have such great people in my life and I am happy. I know I am loved as a person and that I am now more able to love myself. That is the 'man in the mirror' thing really isn't it...start with yourself and everything or everyone else will follow....Yes that it is indeed.

A new adventure, a new life and a more fulfilled life...I will make every effort to put me first...here we go...

TWO IN ONE

I did not have time to blog last night, got home too late. I had a lovely time with friends. I will miss them all. Funny how I came to realise that actually even though I miss my work and find sitting at home bored I am really glad that I am taking this risk. This is part of me, this is necessary, this is my LIFE.

So I am writing a belated blog and a present blog all in one. Today I was woken by Lucas as I have been every morning so far. So yes no staying in bed beyond about seven thirty. I do get a bit tired in the afternoon and a little nap does me wonders.

My life will be so different from now on. I will be with the person I love and want to spend a lot of time with and I will be having loads of different experiences. You never know maybe onE day I can write my memoirs hehehehehe....so much to tell and I do like telling stories about my life.

Last night on my way back to Theale I found myself in a heavy down pour of rain. Wow was it scary!!!! I had to slow down to about 60 MPH and my wipers were furiously swishing but it did not make any difference. I thought I was going to have stop on the hard shoulder and sit there until I felt more able to drive. Well suddenly I drove out of the rain and soon I felt better picking up speed...and not even ten minutes I drove right back into the rain...same things happened so I decided that crawling was what I will do until I get out of this...phew was I glad when I took the slip road at J12. So relieved!!!!!

I note that I was quite good with regards to my food intake...what one will do to make others happy.....I thinking things will be ok if I keep thinking this way...being healthy means being conscious and informed decisions, and not getting sucked in to the diet mentality...I want to do it the healthy way and I want to do it for MEEEEEE!!!!

THIS IS ME, HERE I AM !!!!!!

CAN IT GET BETTER

Today was a lazyyyyy one. I guess every day so far had been a lazy one :) I love the feeling though. It gets better knowing that there are individuals out there missing me :) I love that. I can honestly say that I have been a bit worried that the usual chatting will occur following my departure. Anyway that, I guess, will always be so.

I have been good despite lazying about. I stayed indoors, of course, helped by the fact that it was wet outside. I had breakies as I should and then lunch and finally dindin. All good with the addition of a bit of snacking. I don't feel bad about it, I still think that I am doing so much better than a week or two ago. I must not forget to weigh myself on Sunday.

Boxes on Thursday, cancellation of tesco car insurance and finally get John to get the boxes and car. That can all be done and dusted before this weekend. I will try and get most done by tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going back to Swindon for a hair cut. I am still thinking about the style. If I have too much doubt I will not do it. I can always get it done in NZ. No rush.

I am looking after Lucas tomorrow. I will walk him to nursery. I think Skye is not too well tonight and that she can do with a bit of a rest. I will be setting my alarm tonight to get up at about 630. I am looking forward to it. I guess any kind of training will help hehehehe...yes yes yes if I am blessed with a child one day then that will have to be something I feel I am able to do. Good training!!!

READY STEADY GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

A TIME FOR ME.....OOOH SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW

I do not want to be bigger !!!!! I enjoy having time to myself to do nothing and to be foolish but I also know that boredom is my downfall..when bored I eat and even if I try to make good choices some stupid cake jumps into my hands....yes yes yes that is exactly what happens :0

So today was good and even though I did not have much to eat (that was bad) I can still do better. So today I had cake, I had choc(minis) and I had crisps (baked)...I figure that is not tooo bad but it is not exactly good either. So I will try harder tomorrow. I just need to be aware. Tonight I felt for cake and went out and purchased cake...exactly what I thought I wanted but I also got some kellogs which is what I had instead. I felt ok after so that cake was not touched by me. I will not go to the shops tomorrow for nonsense because I always feel I need to buy something and it always ends up being either clothes or snacks. Anyway, no more for me. There is enough in the house to keep an army...ok ok slight exaggeration!!

I must have some sense and maybe keep busy with reading or walking or even jogging. There is no reason why I cannot do this. The back of my thighs still aches and I think that is because of the busy weekend. Not complaining though because that just means that I worked hard and had some good exercise.

Moving forward that is the right direction.......! I DO NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME OR SOMETHING SIMILAR..I KNOW WHO WILL DO THAT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWINDON SO LONG FOR NOW

The room was smashing and packing was done. Finally all moved out by one. Freda had a treat and smells divine. All my bags was in the car. I was ready...I felt a bit flat today, I guess it was to do with the leaving bit. Anyway it is all over now. I had a lovely goodbye lunch with friends and it was greatly appreciated after being so busy the past two days.

I am now in Theale and will be here for a few days before setting off to the great unknown. I feel much better about this challenge because Nigel will be waiting there for me. I am looking forward to not being on my own.

I had my little weigh in today and found that I am now at 19.5 which is a 4 lbs loss since last Sunday. This is good. I can only put it down to the busy few days and also the fact that there was no temptations around me. I hope to continue on this path. Fingers crossed XXXXXXXXXX.

MOVING ON UP..OR IS IT DOWN ...

I have now finally finished the room and everything else, all packed, and feel like my mind is going faster than the cars I can hear outside my bedroom window. I must slow down so will have to go to bed I think...I am soooooo tired. Knees are sensitive, not aching, and my golfers elbow is back... I wonder if it ever really left me...oh yes my ankles feel a bit saw... I am sure it will feel all better when I have nothing else to worry about apart from getting on the plane. Whoooooooeeeee I can't wait.

Well lets report on the task set out on Thursday eve. Well at least the cleaning is all done... no choice there really, I did not manage to purchase food as planned as I went out on Friday so had good meals whilst out and about. I even made sure that my portion size in the restaurant was appropriate. They did look at us funny...we went to Jamie's place in Reading. Good but I don't think it is a place for me....I much prefer Giraffe or even Las Iguanas. My type of food that.

So today I worked like a demon and perspired quite a bit. I felt good though...what really made me feel despondent was the amount of dust that seemed to settle as quickly as I cleaned it...so I guess I will be doing a quick dusting recki tomorrow to ensure that all is well.

Watched a program tonight of a poor young boy who had /has a tumor on his face...it was sad...my heart went out to the young child and his family...I could see their pain...I had to stop watching it as I started to cry and feel really really low...I sent a little prayer for the family and hope God gives them the strength to go on and deal with what they are faced with...I often watch these programs and realise how small my burden is in comparison to these individuals...

Tomorrow I will be spending with Pauline and and from there off to Reading. I can't wait for just sitting and relaxing.

I am most impressed with how the room turned out though not that I should expect anything different after all I am semi obsessive when it comes to cleanliness...hehehehe that is just when I need to be...

TIME FOR CLEANING

Today was set aside for cleaning the flat. Feels like loads needs to be done but I just did not manage to do a lot... at least the bathroom is all spiffy. I realise that I do need a bit of time to veg out and to kind of think about my next move...like I would usually do. However, my next move is already planned and no more thinking is necessary there. So what is it exactly that I need to think about this time around. I don't know maybe what I eat...because today I was not very good...no breakies, crap lunch and fast food for dindin. No no no no no.....

I cannot continue this way especially not after that program I saw on telly...'big meets bigger' or something like that...it was enlightening and I realised along with others, I am sure, that I do not want to end up bigger and certainly do not wish myself to fall ill as a result of my own bad choices..so I must stop this nonsense. Yes so I will not be in the flat for very long but that does not give me any reason to depend on fast food places for my meals...I shall get myself to a shop and purchase some good food which I know will be more satisfying.

I was also particularly bored today...yes ok so I knew that was going to happen but I needed to fill my time with better things. I have a lovely park just across the road...why did I not go for a walk or even a jog...I must try and get my head in the right place...so tomorrow for sure....1) clean rest of flat, 2) go to shop and get some food, 3) have three meals - self prepared and 4) go for a walk around the park....notice I say walk.... small steps they say...

Internet is playing up tonight...so I will have to end this session now...I will let you know how it went tomorrow eve.

OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED AND LOVING IT SO FAR

Yes I am now unemployed it is a good feeling and I am smiling so far. No jobs and no worries about getting one soon. I am planning my little trips around NZ. The book at hand and paging through it slowly. Awesome sights so I will make the most of all my opportunities. I don't really think that I will have much time for work. It would be divine to not have to work for a while. A dream for now but one that may just become possible when in NZ.

I am so excited and so blessed. I managed to make few good friends and unexpected ones. A few tears, yes despite my attempts to stay dry, but it was a surprise...I must admit though that you find these little surprises in the most unexpected places.

Of course, I had another meal out and could not resist really. We went to a PAN ASIAN place and the food was good. I had a three course meal but mostly fishy type things. It was very filling. I also indulged in a piece of choc cake.

I guess I will have to be realistic this week and accept that I may not have made much difference in terms of weight loss but certainly in terms of my mindset. I think that is a step forward.

I have to focus tomorrow to get things done so that I won't have too much to do on Saturday. Yes cleaning the flat and getting the final bits packed. Oh I am soooo exited. Who can blame me :)

THE TIME HAS COME FOR MY LIFE TO START - A DIFFERENT LIFE WITH HOPEFULLY A LOT OF SATISFACTION!!!!!!!

MY SECOND TO LAST DAY AT WORK

I had a most glorious day today. Good food, good people and good control. I was so worried that I would make a fool of myself today but I did really well. I also realise that making a fool of myself is kinda part of who I am but a smiling fool not a crying one...I do not make the handsomest picture when I cry. So yes I loved the fact that we could sit down and have lunch and just chill. That was great. The fact that there was no big speech thing was even better...after all I did hint that I would be ok, in fact prefer it, if there was no such things. Then of course came the invitation to tell stories about my time at work...I just had to jump in and, unbeknown to me, it turns out that I had a lot to say. Good memories and many laughs...I will not forget my colleagues and friends. They made me welcome and gave me the best gift ever...myself respect and confidence. I am grateful to them for that!!!!

However, with the goodbye lunch come a lot of food and so I find myself having eaten three slices of pizza and crisps with soda. This of course preceded by oats and yogurt and then followed by dindin of chicken again and oven fries. I guess this week was not a good week to start being good but I shall persevere after all every week will bring new challenges and this will be my biggest challenge...to ensure that I keep my focus and not indulge to an extent where I feel unable to make up.

Tomorrow I will keep to my plan and report on how I managed in the eve. This is going to fun...this lovely long journey of mine will bring with it tears, anger and lots and lots of happiness.

I MADE IT

I wanted to start today's little addition with 'today is the first day of the rest of my life' but realised that actually I could say that of all the days following this one. So I decided to keep it simple.

I made it....I feel that is the best way to describe today and how I feel. I started to make some changes today...at least stopping the binging....ok ok so my definition of binging is of course me gorging myself on chocs and crisps. So yes that is what I tried to focus on today. I did well in keeping my food intake low, my fluid intake high and my sweets intake at a reasonable level. I could have been better but there was these South African chocs in the work fridge and I just could not throw them away..no sirreee...so I contemplated having them myself. The shared it with Pauline though which was good and I am sure that if there were more people around I would have shared it with them too...the more the merrier isn't it. Oh well the old adage works for me right now because until I change my biggest habit ..or is it a habit ...of wanting to eat everything I buys will I be able to feel I have this part of my life under control. I am aware that I buy only what I need but that chocs in the fridge, the knowledge that I paid much more than usual for them was only more reason for me not to get rid of them but to eat them or getting as many people as I possibly can to eat them with me. Ok so that is gone now. No more chocs no more temptations no more naughtiness...

Today was good despite everything else. I had three meals, a good breakfast and a good lunch even though the lunch was not much I enjoyed it and did not feel hungry. I must admit though that the chocs may have become tempting because I may had too small a lunch...it is only when I am hungry that these temptations really get the better of me. The choc was needed closer the end of the day as well...that should tell me something as well...I will try and keep a healthy snack for that time of the day. I also had a good dindin - steamed chicken and veggies and I enjoyed that very much. I know these things and I can honestly say that I prefer this kind of food but I am sooooo lazy sometimes.

That is another habit I will have to tackle hehehehehehe. At least this day is over. I find that I have had a few chats with myself about keeping focused saying to myself - you don't need that Faiza...etc etc. Funny isn't it that I have to do that to keep my head straight....

I also realise that I have become quite edgy at work...I blame it on my 'goodbye' phobia. I do not like saying goodbyes. So what do I do? I make it so in my mind that I get irritated by people and stuff so that I don't feel too bad leaving. I am aware I am doing this and I need to be sure not to offend anyone with my stupidness.

I will soon be officially unemployed!!!!!! I am not even worried.

I AM BACK

Well now... I've not been blogging for some time now...why? well because I've not been particularly motivated. If one thing goes a bit wrong soon it gives me an excuse not to do the rest. Well that is exactly what happened...the sad thing is that I know this and yet I do it. I definitely need to change some of my bad habits and I do believe that this is a bad habit rather than anything more serious.

As you may well have guessed I have not been focusing on the new way of life and therefore have gained more weight. I must admit though that when I did the exercising, few and far between, I still felt good. I like doing it when I do it but find it hard to keep it up. The eating well that has gone to pots. Yes I still have good meals but I need to do it three times a day. I find that I tend to skip a meal or so and then I get quite peckish and hungry...well then I go for the old chips and choc combo. BAD yes! I avoided the scales as I know that the weight is creeping up...the weight is now at a shocking 19.9. This time around it has been really no good for me...I just do not think I was that into it at ww. So I shall try this week and do it at home and with the ww eating plan...I will start with the eating plan and then introduce the exercise more and more. I want to be smaller and if that is going to happen I have to do it for myself. When I do it for others or because others are doing it I don't seem to keep it up. That is certainly because my heart is not in it. So I will start again from tomorrow...4/7/10.

I am getting on a plane is 16 days and I can certainly try and loose some weight in that time. Yes a lot of goodbyes but that does not mean that I have to eat a lot of rubbish. So I shall keep in mind my potion sizes and intake of water. Diet coke will be kept at a minimum and replaced by Ribena light...

I do not want to get any BIGGER!!!!!!

ps I guess the blog is me talking to me after all I am the one that needs to keep me motivated.

Change of Plan and other stuff!

I know I know I am back sooner than anticipated but not bad new though just a bit of an update....

I have taken advise and decided that the detox will have to wait until the weekend because I am apparently going to suffer a great amount of pain of the head when I start this process...it can't be worse than fasting so I think I will be fine but to be safe I will postpone this challenge until weekend. So the jelly will be on the menu.

I have also taken great care in my food intake today, well I actually ate what I normally would eat but counted everything for ww as well as counting my calories...there is such a lot of fuss made about calorie intake that I figure I must check how much I consume in a day. This whole malarkey can be all consuming if you let it so I will not focus too much on this. I just need to be aware and once that is achieved I will be able to make better choices. So for today I had a very close relationship with my ww calculator . Never really appreciated the benefits of having one but I certainly found good use for it today. I shall keep it in my bag just in case!

No exercise today, my knees are only now feeling OK so I guess I have subconsciously decided that the rest in between the 3 days of exercise needs to be enough so that I can actually climb stairs without feeling the strain on my joints. Jogging is good but plays havoc on the joints so I want to make sure that I am rested before legs can take another three days of battering. My pedometer is also good for me as I often manage to do my 10000 steps. One can reach that so easily without even having to do a planned walk...sedatory ? I say be gone ! here comes active me....

I have this lovely picture in my bedroom which my landlady took great care in choosing....not very often I notice it but today I find that I look at the picture and actually think...that is what I want to be able to do. Sit down and lean forward onto my knees without having to consider what is peeking out..oh yeah and look sexy hehehehe...so that could be a good thing to focus on one day...I am sure tomorrow this thought will be out of my mind.

I am reading a book for many months now and find I learn a lot from reading this book but also that I feel kinda strangely harsh towards a certain group of people. Yes it centres around this lady and her struggle with drugs and the lifestyle and then being able to move away from the lifestyle to make a better life for her and her children. I hate books like these...too close to day to day for me but I committed to the book and now have to finish it. Well my thoughts are really that individuals that become drug users are in my mind adrenalin junkies or risk takers..that is how they start out and we all start out sober so common sense and evaluating consequences may have gone through their minds at some point. I don't feel comfortable just accepting that drug addicts become so by accident. No, I believe that there was a choice made and the risk was considered more enticing than the risk associated with it. After the habit is set the addicts choice is taken from them by the need for the drug either physically or psychologically. Getting away then is difficult and I never want to minimise the struggle but I wonder why one would take a risk that could potentially be so fatal that you loose family and all you hold dear including yourself...is it because they feel so little for themselves that the risk would always be taken or that they feel unable to face up to the challenges of everyday life - or monotony thereof or is it because they are so selfish that they only think of themselves and gratifying a curiosity willie nillie. I wish we had a magic wand to use everytime someone wants to indulge...you know just to show them the outcome/the consequence of the risk they are willing to take. I have not yet heard a story which tell of the happy life of a drug addict.

Cold One!!!!

When Karlien invited me for a 'cold one' many would say why not and jump at the chance..well so did I. The very important difference was of course the 'cold one' she invited me for had nothing to do with quenching ones thirst...more to do with closing ones pores...yes as you can imagine it was a lot of oo aa 'ing and me saying 'who ever thought of this needs to be shot' but using very flowery language...yes yes yes the occasional 'F' was uttered...the experience of getting under a cold shower following a dry steam and then putting yourself through it again following a wet steam...that was indeed an experience I will not forget any time soon...exhilarating is a nice word to describe it after the fact when you've had time to think about complete experience...for me though it was very very cold to put it mildly....

The time I spent as a guest of Karlien's at Fitness First was fabulous though. I could not have asked for a better start to my day on Monday...I managed to extend my jogging at speed 7 with another minute and felt really good after. I am very impressed with myself that I actually managed to do three days of training this week...Whoohoo!!!! Oh and knickers and bra for the steam room seem to be acceptable hehehehehehe..I wasn't going to miss out on that just because I forgot my swimming costume...so yea my consciousness re my figure and undies faded quick smart when I entered the steam room. A Great experience all in all.

So today was the day for going to WW. I went to weigh in and was told that I put on weight...I ask myself this questions often...Why? Why? Why? and How? well I think I am not fully committed to giving up the crap yet but I will persevere. After all I am feeling better. Even though I don't seem to loose much in terms of weight I can feel a bit of difference in my clothing so maybe the exercising is helping. I know I do well when exercising and if I keep this up the eating will follow. So no I have no idea what my weight is but I will be looking to change some things this week...

1) SUGAR FREE JELLY
I shall use sugar free jelly instead of sweets. Sometimes my boredom leads to sweets and spending money. So I shall prepare some sugar free jelly and keep that in stock to have as a nibble...I just need something to keep my mouth going...bizarre isn't it?!!!!

2) DETOX
I also want to try and do the detox that Karlien gave me and see if that will help as well. I guess the sugar free jelly will have to wait until next week. This week, starting tomorrow, I will be detoxing...water and juices tomorrow and then, fruit, then veggies (raw), the veggies steamed with pulses, then brown rice and something else and then fish. It sounds really extreme but I do want to try. I am not sure how I will feel for exercising but I will try that as well. I can't wait to see how I get one!!

As you can see I am prepared to try anything...I was asked recently why I wanted to loose weight and I actually had to think about it and then I couldn't give an answer .....I could say that I want to be thinner, or I want to be healthier...but then again I could say that I want to loose weight because other's want me to...all of the above would be right but in fact I often feel unmotivated and really wonder if being thin is really for me...well the only way to find out is to get thin and then see and feel whether or not it is for me...I must give myself that chance to decide...presently I only know what it feels like to be big and need to find out what it feels like to be thin and then I will decide what I want to be and then only then will I be able to answer that question...

Life is all together good and even though my little struggle seem massive to me at times I appreciate that there are people out there whose struggles are so much more than mine. So I am grateful that I am able to tob on little things.

I SHALL BE BACK...next week of course to let you know if I managed to shift some weight...hehehehehe

Nineteen point zero one again!!!! phew

OK so this week has been hard work..I was desperate to get rid of that one extra lb and put on. Not easy I might add!!! I still ate cake though and even though I know I have to stop I also know that by denying myself something only means that I would want it more later and that may even be more evil than having the slice of cake when I want it..it is not as if I do it often. Anyway I went to WW today and got onto the scales thinking ...I don't want to feel shit after this...well I did not. I spoke a bit to the leader lady and told me that when I start exercising the body holds on to fluids to feed the muscle and that this may be why I put on weight last week etc. She said that I am likely to see more a change of shape rather than a loss in weight in the beginning. That was all good news to my ears. So I can't wait to see the change in shape isn't it just exciting..
My hair was a bit of a talking point this week and I can honestly say that I generated much of the talk...i was well impressed with my new hairstyle and since I am blogging to write down what goes on in my head I figured I would do exactly that...So the worry for me was - would I be able to get my hair to look as good as the salon pips did? Well can you believe it - I DID! I think I even looked better - if I were a trend setter the flick would be coming back into fashion. It was easy, it was simple and it looked good.....and that all made me feel marvelous.

Well all that aside I decided that today would be the day that I treat myself with something nice to eat. That was how I put it to myself but what I really meant was that I could really go for some fast food today. That was a problem for me..so I decided to go directly home and see whether or not I still feel for nonsense food...OK so I did but I stayed strong and cooked a stir fry which tasted fantastic and I had a few nibbles that was in my cupboard - only ones that I buy knowing that it is better than the choc or crisps...so yes I snacked on that and did not feel bad at all...I tracked throughout and even though I managed to fill my points today I feel that I could so easily have gone over by having nonsense foods..

I am so Proud of myself!!! All the suffering - power plate and eating right will pay dividends in the end!!! I am indeed looking forward to it!

Powerplate!!! demon machine!!!!!

Today is a bit wet and a good reason for me to go and get some exercise...so off I went to the gym. My time at the gym is getting longer started out being 30 minutes but now I am in there for at least an hour and a half..that is of course including the stretches and chatting with the trainers or watcher or helpers whatever we call them.

So anyway today I figure it would be a good time to show you all how horrendous I look on the power plate. So one of the nice people agreed and snapped me on the demon machine...when I look at the photo it doesn't look like I am doing anything that would make me sweat but believe me when I say I am...when I am done on that machine my legs are no longer where it is supposed to be or at least my brains don't register them there so I am very often in need of some help from the floor!!! yes the floor and maybe a pillar or even a human being hehehehehe...So here is a pic of the lovely me on that demon...

After gym I went home and watched a bit of tv whilst the rain on the roof made me think of the week ahead...what I have to do and how I intend to manage the tasks for the week...well that was it...I just had to get up and get rid of that thoughts it is after all still weekend and I do not need to extend the working week...all work thoughts will have to commence from tomorrow morning 830.

I remembered that my last guitar lesson enabled me to play two new tunes on the guitar so I had a shower...looked at the hair and gave up before I even started (the hair I mean). I then made myself comfortable and practiced these new tunes...well I have to sing along as well...so playing a few chords - C,G and later F as well - I was able to sing along to THE WHEELS ON THE BUS and TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR...Lucas will love me for it...well at least when I am more apt at playing it and it actually sounding like the actual tune. I must introduce you to my Gigi yes my guitar is named Gigi..my first guitar...she is doing well keeping up with me...I also practiced a bit of the classical sounds and picking...labamba still proves a bit difficult for me. I don't know why but I just cannot hear the song in my playing...oh well maybe another lesson on this one then. I find the guitar lessons really interesting and very impressed with myself so far...it keeps one young at heart...learning can take any form and for me right now it is through music...maybe one day I will try painting...maybe. After all Pisces are creative creatures is not so...

'NICE NICE NICE' BISCUITS

Today is my third day of trying to be good and going back to the basics...I am not doing very well...yes I had some 'nice' biscuits about three. I enjoyed every munch and even though I know I will have to count it I don't feel at all worried. I wonder sometimes if I am ready for the sacrifices I will have to make, the habits I will have to break the.... everything really... I think I am almost there!!!!!!!

I look at the weight watchers 'eat out' guide and think that is another habit I will have to change...eating out is one of my needs. I need to socialise and this I normally do around food..I love it and I do think that if I do not do this I will probably go really depressed...I also realise that I can actually replace this habit with a healthier ones...I will have to think what though. If there was a book that really got used it was my weight watcher eating out guide I love it love it love it!!!!!!

Another bad habit is of course my beloved DIET COKE...I love it yes and I know that it is good in some ways to have it instead of other sodas but I have too much of it...I was told many years ago that if I can't stay without it for 24 days than I am addicted...I will try...Water will have to do from next week onward. I know it is better that way...if I manage to do it then I guess I shall continue and occasionally have a diet coke...I solemnly promise....

I felt a bit fat today...what is that all about!!!!? I have had compliments about looking slimmer and better...that should be good....that can only mean that other's are seeing how hard I work in the gym. My shape is getting better...it may not reflect yet on the scales but it does show in other ways...so I shall continue and when weighing in I will no longer look and I no longer want to know how much I weigh....then again if I don't want that then why I am still at weight watchers..I know I know it is because I need to do this with other's in the same boat...they inspire and motivate me.....I do like loosing weight and sharing how good I feel with those sat in the meeting.

I watched supersize vs superskinny this week and I feel for the people...it is a hard journey and they are so courageous to do something like that. I sometimes wonder if I would qualify for the show...I just want the good doctor to give me a eating plan for so many weeks. I look at what they people eat and I feel 'no way' is my eating habits so bad..I don't eat half as much food as some and in fact the skinny guys probably eat more junk than I do but look at MEEEEE! It does make me wonder...I know my downfall is the cakes, crisps, chocs and sweets and then the occasional Indian. I don't have it for a while and when I do have it I indulge big time and then I put on weight..this is what happened this week, I indulged. Then I take it so hard and become a bit morbid and start kicking myself ...then I need a pick me up and this is my plan...

So I can't wait to have my hair cut on Saturday maybe that will give me that extra boost I need to take on this world of mine...it is a constant battle but who would want it any other way...I love my little battles and even though it makes me cry sometimes I know there are people out there with more of a battle and not complaining so why am I!!!

Nineteen point two aaaaaaa

THAT IS IT!!!!!!! I need to sweat some more and maybe go back to the start of weight watchers...I think I am a bit too comfortable with maneuvering or juggling points that I am loosing sight of my goal. I am defo going in the wrong direction...funny thing is though that I feel good, my clothes fit better and I look better in them as well. However, when I got onto the scales today it reflected that I gained a lb. That is not good is going through my brain and I realise that it is actually very important to me, seeing the the numbers on the scales showing that my weight is getting less even though I know that this is not the only way to do it...it is important to me though!!!! Psychological You THink!!?

So that is it no more of the chocs I love and the crisps I enjoy...well certainly not as much as I have had for the past week or so...I need to focus...

This is how things stand now....I hope to change that and eventually have the choc treat at the bottom and the ww tracker on top. I do not want this to take over my life but I sure hope to make better decisions regarding food. Maybe I need to try and find out what my relationship with food really is...is it a coping mechanism, a control thing or has it to do with feelings of undeserving ...well I don't know but I would like to know...maybe my journey will bring me to that answer as well.

No exercise today but tomorrow I will be back in that gym to shake some part of my body in the hope that I will weigh less next week...keep fingers crossed one and all because all the eyes on me may just spur me on to go that extra mile or stone...hehehehehe

Phew Sweat is good RIGHT!!!!!!

I went to the gym today as I missed out yesterday...I am not complaining as I had a lovely day yesterday and would not change that for the gym...no way!!!

I worked out hard and had quite a few beads of sweat dripping down my back and my hair was really soaked...so I take comfort in that I worked hard and hope that it will reflect tomorrow at WW weigh-in. There are a few machines in the gym which I would gladly avoid but since a program has been worked out for me I thought I better do it and see if it works. So far so good...that power plate is scary and I am sure that I must look stupid on it but who cares I am not looking at myself...thank goodness for that. Thirty second on that thing and my insides feel like whipped cream. My legs of course, when done, feels like someone else's and I have to actually hold on to them to make sure that I can still stand on them. Well I survived and now as I sit typing my blog I am contemplating my journey to bed up a flight of stairs knowing that my legs are still feeling like jelly...

What makes me do this I often ask myself and the answer I normally give myself is ....you want to be healthy but that is just the say what I really feel is - I want to be thin. I know there is a thinner me inside of the bigger me and I need to find her so I am searching and hopefully my search will prove fruitful...

Oh before I go I found Ollie, Lollie and Pollie....I hope you enjoy them as much as I do...they made me smile the whole day and for days after. Cuties they are.

Nature

I realise that I quite enjoy nature..animals and flowers. I can appreciate more now and in some ways I wish I had a pet or enjoyed more time appreciating nature when I was younger. I can remember climbing Table Mountain in Cape Town but I can not remember the path, the little wonders on the path and the excitement of the actual mountain and being so high up. I think back and realise that I was so scared, or so unfamiliar with nature that I could not really deal with it and thus the only thoughts that went through my head then was 'get me down from here'...hehehehehe yes I can remember being so scared that I had to come down the mountain on my backside yes going from one stone to the next. Funny though I was proud that I actually did it but so little is remembered. I must go home and familiarise myself with Kirstenbosch and the lovely things there and maybe even do the mountain walk again...hopefully this time around I will not need to come down on my backside. A life worth living hehehehehe....I wish I could post a picture of Ollie, Lollie and Pollie...the three rhino's I have suddenly found myself really attached to. Now those are animals. Beautiful and strong and I could sit and watch them all day long. I shall try and get a picture to add but for now I leave you with a promise.

Nineteen point zero one

This week has been a good one for shedding some weight. I managed to get rid of three lbs. i think exercise had a lot to do with it. The program I have at the gym is having me do things faster than normal and it seems to work...I was kinda doing things slow but steady and focused on the length of time but this time around it is more about the speed...good but my legs feel like jelly for at least two days after. I will continue though and see how much I can manage to shed this week. Fingers crossed!!!!!!!!

Took some pic but had to do it with the help of a mirror and yes I don't really like taking pics but for the purposes of my blog I think it is essential. So I shall post the unflattering pics and hope that no one views it too closely lol.

Good luck to me for the week ahead.

Finally I am blogging

Phew!!!! finally I'm blogging...it all starts here! Now to find out how to personalise my home page...I think I chose a nice one but I have seen nicer ones so I shall continue exploring. I will also have to find my camera to take pics for the blog after all it is about me trying to blog myself thin hehehehehe...so my first picture will be ME...not yet but soon though....