I OPTED FOR COMFORT

My feel was killing me. I forgot to ask for an upgrade so I went to the first toilet I could find and changed. So now I have some comforts. I figured if I can't have comfort in the plane - seat I mean - then I shall settle for feeling comfortable in my clothes. I don't feel particularly upset about the whole upgrade story but I would have loved to feel how people lived on that side heheheheehe.

I am ready and it all starts here. I am so excited but also so very sad, saying goodbye is never good. Ok ok there are some good goodbyes but saying goodbye to people you love is never good. So I managed to keep myself together for the past week but then I had to say goodbye to Skye. not good - I cried and only managed to pull myself together a few minutes ago.

I will miss them dearly and especially Lucas who refers to my flippy floppies as 'crocks'...I will hold on to these little gems and I am sure many a day to come I will have a smile on my face.

Goodbye for now! I will let you know when I get to Seoul.

'GOT TO HAVE FAITHA AFAITHA FAITHA....' (GEORGE MICHAEL)

I find that there is always someone or something that reminds you of something; or little bit of wisdom that you know but maybe just stored to deep in your unconscious mind. Then of course you get little enlightenment where you wondrously remember these little pearls at the right time. Like today. I am sure I am getting slightly nervous about my journey to Nigel. I am excited, don't get me wrong, of getting to be with Nigel finally.....but I am also a bit scared of all those little things that any person would be scared about e.g. will it be ok, will I make it, will he still like me etc etc etc...Yep it is about me wanting some sort of guarantee and I know that I cannot have one..there is nothing in life, I feel, that I can get a guarantee for...that will be wonderful but way too much to ask....SO I GOT TO HAVE FAITH.....faith in what I cannot see and I shall take any hand that is extended in my direction to ensure that I do not turn my nose up at any god sent.

YEP deep thinking today...fear brings that on hehehehehe....I am sat here typing this little para in the dark...I should be in bed...tomorrow will be far too short a day to get everything done that I think I need to get done.

I had such a lovely time the past few days though that I cannot go without mentioning that....staying with Skye, John and Lucas has been great...such good people they are...and I do think that anyone that can deal with me are saints...and of course Lucas is my little lifesaver..no not the sweet..the real thing...I shall miss him terribly and hope he will remember me.

I also realised that I am so fortunate in life. I have such great people in my life and I am happy. I know I am loved as a person and that I am now more able to love myself. That is the 'man in the mirror' thing really isn't it...start with yourself and everything or everyone else will follow....Yes that it is indeed.

A new adventure, a new life and a more fulfilled life...I will make every effort to put me first...here we go...

TWO IN ONE

I did not have time to blog last night, got home too late. I had a lovely time with friends. I will miss them all. Funny how I came to realise that actually even though I miss my work and find sitting at home bored I am really glad that I am taking this risk. This is part of me, this is necessary, this is my LIFE.

So I am writing a belated blog and a present blog all in one. Today I was woken by Lucas as I have been every morning so far. So yes no staying in bed beyond about seven thirty. I do get a bit tired in the afternoon and a little nap does me wonders.

My life will be so different from now on. I will be with the person I love and want to spend a lot of time with and I will be having loads of different experiences. You never know maybe onE day I can write my memoirs hehehehehe....so much to tell and I do like telling stories about my life.

Last night on my way back to Theale I found myself in a heavy down pour of rain. Wow was it scary!!!! I had to slow down to about 60 MPH and my wipers were furiously swishing but it did not make any difference. I thought I was going to have stop on the hard shoulder and sit there until I felt more able to drive. Well suddenly I drove out of the rain and soon I felt better picking up speed...and not even ten minutes I drove right back into the rain...same things happened so I decided that crawling was what I will do until I get out of this...phew was I glad when I took the slip road at J12. So relieved!!!!!

I note that I was quite good with regards to my food intake...what one will do to make others happy.....I thinking things will be ok if I keep thinking this way...being healthy means being conscious and informed decisions, and not getting sucked in to the diet mentality...I want to do it the healthy way and I want to do it for MEEEEEE!!!!

THIS IS ME, HERE I AM !!!!!!

CAN IT GET BETTER

Today was a lazyyyyy one. I guess every day so far had been a lazy one :) I love the feeling though. It gets better knowing that there are individuals out there missing me :) I love that. I can honestly say that I have been a bit worried that the usual chatting will occur following my departure. Anyway that, I guess, will always be so.

I have been good despite lazying about. I stayed indoors, of course, helped by the fact that it was wet outside. I had breakies as I should and then lunch and finally dindin. All good with the addition of a bit of snacking. I don't feel bad about it, I still think that I am doing so much better than a week or two ago. I must not forget to weigh myself on Sunday.

Boxes on Thursday, cancellation of tesco car insurance and finally get John to get the boxes and car. That can all be done and dusted before this weekend. I will try and get most done by tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going back to Swindon for a hair cut. I am still thinking about the style. If I have too much doubt I will not do it. I can always get it done in NZ. No rush.

I am looking after Lucas tomorrow. I will walk him to nursery. I think Skye is not too well tonight and that she can do with a bit of a rest. I will be setting my alarm tonight to get up at about 630. I am looking forward to it. I guess any kind of training will help hehehehe...yes yes yes if I am blessed with a child one day then that will have to be something I feel I am able to do. Good training!!!

READY STEADY GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

A TIME FOR ME.....OOOH SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW

I do not want to be bigger !!!!! I enjoy having time to myself to do nothing and to be foolish but I also know that boredom is my downfall..when bored I eat and even if I try to make good choices some stupid cake jumps into my hands....yes yes yes that is exactly what happens :0

So today was good and even though I did not have much to eat (that was bad) I can still do better. So today I had cake, I had choc(minis) and I had crisps (baked)...I figure that is not tooo bad but it is not exactly good either. So I will try harder tomorrow. I just need to be aware. Tonight I felt for cake and went out and purchased cake...exactly what I thought I wanted but I also got some kellogs which is what I had instead. I felt ok after so that cake was not touched by me. I will not go to the shops tomorrow for nonsense because I always feel I need to buy something and it always ends up being either clothes or snacks. Anyway, no more for me. There is enough in the house to keep an army...ok ok slight exaggeration!!

I must have some sense and maybe keep busy with reading or walking or even jogging. There is no reason why I cannot do this. The back of my thighs still aches and I think that is because of the busy weekend. Not complaining though because that just means that I worked hard and had some good exercise.

Moving forward that is the right direction.......! I DO NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME OR SOMETHING SIMILAR..I KNOW WHO WILL DO THAT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWINDON SO LONG FOR NOW

The room was smashing and packing was done. Finally all moved out by one. Freda had a treat and smells divine. All my bags was in the car. I was ready...I felt a bit flat today, I guess it was to do with the leaving bit. Anyway it is all over now. I had a lovely goodbye lunch with friends and it was greatly appreciated after being so busy the past two days.

I am now in Theale and will be here for a few days before setting off to the great unknown. I feel much better about this challenge because Nigel will be waiting there for me. I am looking forward to not being on my own.

I had my little weigh in today and found that I am now at 19.5 which is a 4 lbs loss since last Sunday. This is good. I can only put it down to the busy few days and also the fact that there was no temptations around me. I hope to continue on this path. Fingers crossed XXXXXXXXXX.

MOVING ON UP..OR IS IT DOWN ...

I have now finally finished the room and everything else, all packed, and feel like my mind is going faster than the cars I can hear outside my bedroom window. I must slow down so will have to go to bed I think...I am soooooo tired. Knees are sensitive, not aching, and my golfers elbow is back... I wonder if it ever really left me...oh yes my ankles feel a bit saw... I am sure it will feel all better when I have nothing else to worry about apart from getting on the plane. Whoooooooeeeee I can't wait.

Well lets report on the task set out on Thursday eve. Well at least the cleaning is all done... no choice there really, I did not manage to purchase food as planned as I went out on Friday so had good meals whilst out and about. I even made sure that my portion size in the restaurant was appropriate. They did look at us funny...we went to Jamie's place in Reading. Good but I don't think it is a place for me....I much prefer Giraffe or even Las Iguanas. My type of food that.

So today I worked like a demon and perspired quite a bit. I felt good though...what really made me feel despondent was the amount of dust that seemed to settle as quickly as I cleaned it...so I guess I will be doing a quick dusting recki tomorrow to ensure that all is well.

Watched a program tonight of a poor young boy who had /has a tumor on his face...it was sad...my heart went out to the young child and his family...I could see their pain...I had to stop watching it as I started to cry and feel really really low...I sent a little prayer for the family and hope God gives them the strength to go on and deal with what they are faced with...I often watch these programs and realise how small my burden is in comparison to these individuals...

Tomorrow I will be spending with Pauline and and from there off to Reading. I can't wait for just sitting and relaxing.

I am most impressed with how the room turned out though not that I should expect anything different after all I am semi obsessive when it comes to cleanliness...hehehehe that is just when I need to be...

TIME FOR CLEANING

Today was set aside for cleaning the flat. Feels like loads needs to be done but I just did not manage to do a lot... at least the bathroom is all spiffy. I realise that I do need a bit of time to veg out and to kind of think about my next move...like I would usually do. However, my next move is already planned and no more thinking is necessary there. So what is it exactly that I need to think about this time around. I don't know maybe what I eat...because today I was not very good...no breakies, crap lunch and fast food for dindin. No no no no no.....

I cannot continue this way especially not after that program I saw on telly...'big meets bigger' or something like that...it was enlightening and I realised along with others, I am sure, that I do not want to end up bigger and certainly do not wish myself to fall ill as a result of my own bad choices..so I must stop this nonsense. Yes so I will not be in the flat for very long but that does not give me any reason to depend on fast food places for my meals...I shall get myself to a shop and purchase some good food which I know will be more satisfying.

I was also particularly bored today...yes ok so I knew that was going to happen but I needed to fill my time with better things. I have a lovely park just across the road...why did I not go for a walk or even a jog...I must try and get my head in the right place...so tomorrow for sure....1) clean rest of flat, 2) go to shop and get some food, 3) have three meals - self prepared and 4) go for a walk around the park....notice I say walk.... small steps they say...

Internet is playing up tonight...so I will have to end this session now...I will let you know how it went tomorrow eve.

OFFICIALLY UNEMPLOYED AND LOVING IT SO FAR

Yes I am now unemployed it is a good feeling and I am smiling so far. No jobs and no worries about getting one soon. I am planning my little trips around NZ. The book at hand and paging through it slowly. Awesome sights so I will make the most of all my opportunities. I don't really think that I will have much time for work. It would be divine to not have to work for a while. A dream for now but one that may just become possible when in NZ.

I am so excited and so blessed. I managed to make few good friends and unexpected ones. A few tears, yes despite my attempts to stay dry, but it was a surprise...I must admit though that you find these little surprises in the most unexpected places.

Of course, I had another meal out and could not resist really. We went to a PAN ASIAN place and the food was good. I had a three course meal but mostly fishy type things. It was very filling. I also indulged in a piece of choc cake.

I guess I will have to be realistic this week and accept that I may not have made much difference in terms of weight loss but certainly in terms of my mindset. I think that is a step forward.

I have to focus tomorrow to get things done so that I won't have too much to do on Saturday. Yes cleaning the flat and getting the final bits packed. Oh I am soooo exited. Who can blame me :)

THE TIME HAS COME FOR MY LIFE TO START - A DIFFERENT LIFE WITH HOPEFULLY A LOT OF SATISFACTION!!!!!!!

MY SECOND TO LAST DAY AT WORK

I had a most glorious day today. Good food, good people and good control. I was so worried that I would make a fool of myself today but I did really well. I also realise that making a fool of myself is kinda part of who I am but a smiling fool not a crying one...I do not make the handsomest picture when I cry. So yes I loved the fact that we could sit down and have lunch and just chill. That was great. The fact that there was no big speech thing was even better...after all I did hint that I would be ok, in fact prefer it, if there was no such things. Then of course came the invitation to tell stories about my time at work...I just had to jump in and, unbeknown to me, it turns out that I had a lot to say. Good memories and many laughs...I will not forget my colleagues and friends. They made me welcome and gave me the best gift ever...myself respect and confidence. I am grateful to them for that!!!!

However, with the goodbye lunch come a lot of food and so I find myself having eaten three slices of pizza and crisps with soda. This of course preceded by oats and yogurt and then followed by dindin of chicken again and oven fries. I guess this week was not a good week to start being good but I shall persevere after all every week will bring new challenges and this will be my biggest challenge...to ensure that I keep my focus and not indulge to an extent where I feel unable to make up.

Tomorrow I will keep to my plan and report on how I managed in the eve. This is going to fun...this lovely long journey of mine will bring with it tears, anger and lots and lots of happiness.

I MADE IT

I wanted to start today's little addition with 'today is the first day of the rest of my life' but realised that actually I could say that of all the days following this one. So I decided to keep it simple.

I made it....I feel that is the best way to describe today and how I feel. I started to make some changes today...at least stopping the binging....ok ok so my definition of binging is of course me gorging myself on chocs and crisps. So yes that is what I tried to focus on today. I did well in keeping my food intake low, my fluid intake high and my sweets intake at a reasonable level. I could have been better but there was these South African chocs in the work fridge and I just could not throw them away..no sirreee...so I contemplated having them myself. The shared it with Pauline though which was good and I am sure that if there were more people around I would have shared it with them too...the more the merrier isn't it. Oh well the old adage works for me right now because until I change my biggest habit ..or is it a habit ...of wanting to eat everything I buys will I be able to feel I have this part of my life under control. I am aware that I buy only what I need but that chocs in the fridge, the knowledge that I paid much more than usual for them was only more reason for me not to get rid of them but to eat them or getting as many people as I possibly can to eat them with me. Ok so that is gone now. No more chocs no more temptations no more naughtiness...

Today was good despite everything else. I had three meals, a good breakfast and a good lunch even though the lunch was not much I enjoyed it and did not feel hungry. I must admit though that the chocs may have become tempting because I may had too small a lunch...it is only when I am hungry that these temptations really get the better of me. The choc was needed closer the end of the day as well...that should tell me something as well...I will try and keep a healthy snack for that time of the day. I also had a good dindin - steamed chicken and veggies and I enjoyed that very much. I know these things and I can honestly say that I prefer this kind of food but I am sooooo lazy sometimes.

That is another habit I will have to tackle hehehehehehe. At least this day is over. I find that I have had a few chats with myself about keeping focused saying to myself - you don't need that Faiza...etc etc. Funny isn't it that I have to do that to keep my head straight....

I also realise that I have become quite edgy at work...I blame it on my 'goodbye' phobia. I do not like saying goodbyes. So what do I do? I make it so in my mind that I get irritated by people and stuff so that I don't feel too bad leaving. I am aware I am doing this and I need to be sure not to offend anyone with my stupidness.

I will soon be officially unemployed!!!!!! I am not even worried.

I AM BACK

Well now... I've not been blogging for some time now...why? well because I've not been particularly motivated. If one thing goes a bit wrong soon it gives me an excuse not to do the rest. Well that is exactly what happened...the sad thing is that I know this and yet I do it. I definitely need to change some of my bad habits and I do believe that this is a bad habit rather than anything more serious.

As you may well have guessed I have not been focusing on the new way of life and therefore have gained more weight. I must admit though that when I did the exercising, few and far between, I still felt good. I like doing it when I do it but find it hard to keep it up. The eating well that has gone to pots. Yes I still have good meals but I need to do it three times a day. I find that I tend to skip a meal or so and then I get quite peckish and hungry...well then I go for the old chips and choc combo. BAD yes! I avoided the scales as I know that the weight is creeping up...the weight is now at a shocking 19.9. This time around it has been really no good for me...I just do not think I was that into it at ww. So I shall try this week and do it at home and with the ww eating plan...I will start with the eating plan and then introduce the exercise more and more. I want to be smaller and if that is going to happen I have to do it for myself. When I do it for others or because others are doing it I don't seem to keep it up. That is certainly because my heart is not in it. So I will start again from tomorrow...4/7/10.

I am getting on a plane is 16 days and I can certainly try and loose some weight in that time. Yes a lot of goodbyes but that does not mean that I have to eat a lot of rubbish. So I shall keep in mind my potion sizes and intake of water. Diet coke will be kept at a minimum and replaced by Ribena light...

I do not want to get any BIGGER!!!!!!

ps I guess the blog is me talking to me after all I am the one that needs to keep me motivated.