Love

Love when it was read about always gave me a warm smiley feeling...I loved it and along with it came a lot of romanticised views that over the years influenced how I think about things even today. ...so today I could still be described as a Barbara Cartland fan even though I have not read a Mills and Boons book for ever such a long time..funny I think.

When I think of love it means a lot to me but I often only use it when I want to share with the honey that I get that warm smiley feeling when I think about him. ... I'd love to say that is the only way it is used but it is not...in todays world this word is often used to mislead people to give false hope and to embarrass...maybe overused with no actual meaning

Love for family is very different from the love you feel for your husband or wife (or whatever version you currently find yourself in)...I never really thought too much about it but I now realise that actually it is all about how the feeling of love influences our behaviour (human behaviour) towards one another...that is why people on the outside looking in often can see before the person can, that they are in love....the fact that there may be small changes in how you respond to the boy sitting in the same class than you or on the same playground as you...say a sneaky look, a faraway look in your eyes when they talk or even worse when you write your name in your school book to see how it would look if you had his surname or what would your signature look like ...lol ...done them all and it was serious then now it is funnnnnnyyyyyy!!!!!!

With family the feeling love is present but it is not often expressed or said...not in my family at least...now this is when we were children....it was a feeling assumed. You know what though that  was a safe assumption. Despite all the stuff going on in our life we could make those assumptions and feel that, you know what, there was light at the end of the tunnel...

That believe that the hardship, bad feelings, poor days etc etc can only go on for so long...that the day that started bad will come to an end and tomorrow will be a new day, that the stress or anxiety you feel for exams or just going to school without the right colour socks would all come to an end in a short period of time...I guess that was my survival...and the fact that there was love there... just not as evident as my romanticised views had me believe.... was necessary.

Anyway the walk we took on a Saturday morning and dreaming of a future home in the mountain, getting a small packet of niknaks as a treat, sharing a steak sandwich that my mother brought back from her job in a take aways ...too name but a few ...that was what made me feel loved, that made me feel that my sister, brother and mother was very important to me....but you know what STILL I DID NOT SAY I LOVED THEM because the assumption was safely made.

Then came the love ...LOVEEEEEEEE smoochy kind....Oh how I desired that for such a long time but never did I feel I would ever be loved in that way...such a strong belief that I actually made choices in my life that did not open me up for it...funny when I think about it now but hell it was hard when I was younger....so hard that I would dream, cry, distance, self-destruct and everything else to prevent me from getting hurt, disappointed or REJECTED...bloody hell our life then, our circumstance and our belief certainly influences how we think about things and often what decisions we make. hmmmmm some food for thought.

Well I finally got to fall in love....not as a teenager, or a young adult but a more mature adult. I think in many ways I am thankful because what came with that feeling of being in love well.....

Excited yes I was, smiling yes I was, feeling light in mood yes I was, I want to see him or hear his voice or feel his hand yes to all of that. Hahahahaha just like a teenager with a difference...I managed these like a mature woman would.

Well then along with all the above came that other feelings of wonder who his with, wonder if he loves me, why is he not touchy feely, is it because I am not beautiful enough etc etc...

Love is meant to make you feel stronger more secure but often it doesn't...for a long time I knew this was happening but could not quite understand or maybe I was not ready to realise what it really meant...what I knew was that ambivalence was what I experienced a lot of the time...the emotions love and hate or strong feelings or derivatives of it was in conflict with each other...then I knew that is what you agree to when you decide to fall in love...at least that was what I was thinking went on for me.

So loving someone also allows you to feel comfortable enough to act stupidly or harshly or overly so...with the one you say you love...and vice versa.

So with the lovely feeling of warmth and smiles I had to prepare myself for moments of doubt, fear and hurt.  It is the agreement you sign on invisible papers and with an invisible ink...

Once upon a time I wondered if I wanted to engage in this foolishness...obviously I decided that I would.  I am happy to dance the dance of lovers because I think I am the biggest scaredy cat and being without the person I know I love would be too painful to actually see a way ahead of me...no no no a feeling I want to avoid most of all is the latter.

That feeling of fear doesn't discriminate... It makes you feel the same when it is a family member or someone you LOVEEEEEEE.

So I made my choice and I know what scares me....have you decided where you at?

 Say it more and mean it....that is my mantra now.

HOW HARD IT MUST BE

Too many things nowadays that we have to be careful of and for. I think over the years our world has become smaller and we do not have as much room to take risks as we did when we were children...ok ok so I talk to those of my generation...yes I played outside next to the road sometimes in the road competing with another as to who can jump up and down the pavements exchanging feet ...wow that was exciting times...then of course we played outside unsupervised...

So I ask what is it really that makes our world smaller..is it that the human race is becoming nastier, giving in to their evil side more often than they did before or is it that the human race is becoming ruled by fear and therefore they put in place rules and laws and systems that they feel will make them safer...

The result of course is that our free world for which we fought so hard is becoming smaller..that freedom is slowly disappearing...why? ...well I think it is because we decided somewhere along the line that it is safer to not take risks, to not do much and therefore made our world smaller and every year it gets smaller and smaller...our children are now indoors more than outdoors, they don't know how to write or process thought because they have computers doing that for them, they can hardly spell or socialise because of technology (texting etc etc)...when they finally do take risks they can get hurt ...

So many years ago we had less knowledge and I think there was great benefits to the not knowing and having to find out bit...now we know too much and we find that as a race we are turning against each other...we are imploding...we hunt ourselves.

So many years ago the message was that socialisation, good nurturing and at times disciplining and at times giving them some freedom...our children that is....was essential to allow them to get stronger and be able to survive the world, negotiate the shit that may come their way etc......This is the same message that I still hear but somehow it is not working as well as it did so many years ago...are we too controlled...are we too PC ....are we too scared....are we too desperate to show the rest of world that we look good on paper while we fall apart in real life....who are we measuring against?

How do we make things better...I guess all policy makers ask the same question but very often more policies and more laws are not the answer...maybe we should decided to live a life that would allow us to feel more in control ...one where technology, laws and policies are not ignored but certainly where their existence don't limit ours and common sense step in...our children encouraged to empathise with others, get hurt and ask for help, care for their peers and carry their parents in their hands and hearts ....

I remember being told that I must respect my elders always refer to them with respect...not their name as I am a child, to always remember that your parents are the anchors that keeps you humble....I choose to continue to believe that and I wish that some of our children today out there decide to join me because I believe our world will be so much better.

IT MUST BE HARD for some but heck it is not impossible....

Who Woulda THUNK

Well who would have thunk!!!! Me water walking ...Me knowing what water walking is all about!!!
So I water walk every Sunday and manages to do it for about an hour...me and water seem to have a much better relationship than me and those demon machines...I am looking at one now...and let me tell you it has been looking at me for the past week telling me YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON YET....my response is a FINGER.

The exercise has taken off...along with me becoming a bit more social and making friends. I always thought that I was ok at making friends but actually I am quite bad. I realise only now that I have always been surrounded by my friends who was also my family..I never really needed more than that...in fact I was never taught how to socialise outside of my family....I thought then and still think now that I was very lucky...I had the best of friends and enemies that you could tell on and get and aunt or uncle take them to task..hahahahaha...I think I did that a few times.

I managed to connect though...how I did that I am not sure but heck I am just glad that I did...I have now got at least two friends in NZ..friends outside of work. Someone I enjoy socialising with be it a movie, be it a day trip, be it bra shopping or be it just eating and playing a game. FUN!!!!!!

In a short period of time I came to appreciate that I certainly need someone outside of my home and work environment to actually feel good...it is a nice feeling though...it is no longer all about work. For too long the latter was how things went and boredom drove me in that direction...so I guess I can say that I am no longer as bored as I was before.

I dove into the act of being social and have thus far hosted a games afternoon and a high tea...who would have THUNK ne!!!!! The games evening was so nice my honey commented on it and said he was really happy for me...can you believe he was watching to see if all went well...what was he going to do if it didn't that is my question...and my answer (it is my world hey) is that he was going to step in and make it fun for me. Who would have THUNK that he would be so protective of me...I am 43 after all lol. 

A friend cooked for us and the result was fabulous. She was very busy as you can see in the picture. I took a few pictures as evidence. Once again I DO LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE COOKS FOR ME...I can say with confidence that I would not have made such good work of the task.

 

For my high tea he seemed more comfortable to leave me alone with my guests. Maybe because his sisters were my guests lol...that to was a wonderful experience even though my scones turned out to be someone like bricks, the cucumber sandwiches had no seasoning etc etc...despite that I enjoyed the company...Some very nice pictures of this venture was posted on FB and unfortunately I am not techy enough to add those to my story.

This weekend I am home with no plans but I am off to do my water walking tomorrow...that is enough to put a smile on my face...I have my little bag packed, my house is clean and not much energy is needed to laze around the house...because I will be knackered after my water walking, the sauna and then the Jacuzzi...it takes so much energy but I am happy to give it all the energy I can muster. Oh and by the way there is NO WAY that I will be adding photos of this venture...you can imagine why lol.

I can't wait for Sunday this is the same Sunday I do not like very much....such a good feeling if your days are enjoyed rather than dreaded...bye bye boredom.