Love when it was read about always gave me a warm smiley feeling...I loved it and along with it came a lot of romanticised views that over the years influenced how I think about things even today. ...so today I could still be described as a Barbara Cartland fan even though I have not read a Mills and Boons book for ever such a long time..funny I think.
When I think of love it means a lot to me but I often only use it when I want to share with the honey that I get that warm smiley feeling when I think about him. ... I'd love to say that is the only way it is used but it is not...in todays world this word is often used to mislead people to give false hope and to embarrass...maybe overused with no actual meaning
Love for family is very different from the love you feel for your husband or wife (or whatever version you currently find yourself in)...I never really thought too much about it but I now realise that actually it is all about how the feeling of love influences our behaviour (human behaviour) towards one another...that is why people on the outside looking in often can see before the person can, that they are in love....the fact that there may be small changes in how you respond to the boy sitting in the same class than you or on the same playground as you...say a sneaky look, a faraway look in your eyes when they talk or even worse when you write your name in your school book to see how it would look if you had his surname or what would your signature look like ...lol ...done them all and it was serious then now it is funnnnnnyyyyyy!!!!!!
With family the feeling love is present but it is not often expressed or said...not in my family at least...now this is when we were children....it was a feeling assumed. You know what though that was a safe assumption. Despite all the stuff going on in our life we could make those assumptions and feel that, you know what, there was light at the end of the tunnel...
That believe that the hardship, bad feelings, poor days etc etc can only go on for so long...that the day that started bad will come to an end and tomorrow will be a new day, that the stress or anxiety you feel for exams or just going to school without the right colour socks would all come to an end in a short period of time...I guess that was my survival...and the fact that there was love there... just not as evident as my romanticised views had me believe.... was necessary.
Anyway the walk we took on a Saturday morning and dreaming of a future home in the mountain, getting a small packet of niknaks as a treat, sharing a steak sandwich that my mother brought back from her job in a take aways ...too name but a few ...that was what made me feel loved, that made me feel that my sister, brother and mother was very important to me....but you know what STILL I DID NOT SAY I LOVED THEM because the assumption was safely made.
Then came the love ...LOVEEEEEEEE smoochy kind....Oh how I desired that for such a long time but never did I feel I would ever be loved in that way...such a strong belief that I actually made choices in my life that did not open me up for it...funny when I think about it now but hell it was hard when I was younger....so hard that I would dream, cry, distance, self-destruct and everything else to prevent me from getting hurt, disappointed or REJECTED...bloody hell our life then, our circumstance and our belief certainly influences how we think about things and often what decisions we make. hmmmmm some food for thought.
Well I finally got to fall in love....not as a teenager, or a young adult but a more mature adult. I think in many ways I am thankful because what came with that feeling of being in love well.....
Excited yes I was, smiling yes I was, feeling light in mood yes I was, I want to see him or hear his voice or feel his hand yes to all of that. Hahahahaha just like a teenager with a difference...I managed these like a mature woman would.
Well then along with all the above came that other feelings of wonder who his with, wonder if he loves me, why is he not touchy feely, is it because I am not beautiful enough etc etc...
Love is meant to make you feel stronger more secure but often it doesn't...for a long time I knew this was happening but could not quite understand or maybe I was not ready to realise what it really meant...what I knew was that ambivalence was what I experienced a lot of the time...the emotions love and hate or strong feelings or derivatives of it was in conflict with each other...then I knew that is what you agree to when you decide to fall in love...at least that was what I was thinking went on for me.
So loving someone also allows you to feel comfortable enough to act stupidly or harshly or overly so...with the one you say you love...and vice versa.
So with the lovely feeling of warmth and smiles I had to prepare myself for moments of doubt, fear and hurt. It is the agreement you sign on invisible papers and with an invisible ink...
Once upon a time I wondered if I wanted to engage in this foolishness...obviously I decided that I would. I am happy to dance the dance of lovers because I think I am the biggest scaredy cat and being without the person I know I love would be too painful to actually see a way ahead of me...no no no a feeling I want to avoid most of all is the latter.
That feeling of fear doesn't discriminate... It makes you feel the same when it is a family member or someone you LOVEEEEEEE.
So I made my choice and I know what scares me....have you decided where you at?
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