Morbit thoughts

And so today I was just biding my time trying to sort through emails when suddenly I found myself thinking about death...now what that was about baffles me as well...I don't like thinking about death, or thinking about people close to me dying...it scares me...

Anyway so I had to think more about what this really meant for me and that scared me even more...I realised that a few days before I had a few cold shivers that just happened very suddenly..it gave me the creeps then and it still does.

I wish sometimes that I could just wrap my family in cotton wool keep them safe...I don't want any one of them to 'go' before me. I almost wish to 'go' before they do...but then I realised that I am also quite scared of dying...it just gives me the bloody creeps!!!!!!

Moving on to a different subject..TOM the bloody fool is here again!!! this could be why the thoughts are so morbid.

I am snappy, really not patient with people and picking on little things that normally would not even bother me..phew...so glad I was not amongst too many people today..I could feel the 'F" words coming on. Lucky enough it did not have to be uttered.

I wonder often what people must think about me. I know I am a bit mad but this is because I live in my head and anyone who enters this territory need to be a bit mad hahahaha.

Then I also wonder if the people that I work with, socialise with also have the same kind of madness running though them...is it because we tend to be reflective? Could it be that being reflective can lead to a little bit of madness? Shit and here I thought I was really good at being reflective and that it is a good thing...NOW it may be that I am a bit madder than I thought and that I am actually really good at coming across as being sane...

Poke me and see what side of me comes out the mad hatter or the sane me.

Aggrieved!!!!

Today I feel totally aggrieved by the lack of kindness in our daily lives..sometimes I think we forget the few words of wisdom shared with us by our mothers, grandmother etc etc...it was my grandmother by the way...then my mother and my aunt I can remember reminding the seven of us..NO not dwarfs... grandchildren..THAT  LITTLE BIT OF KINDNESS GOES A LONG WAY, THAT WORDS HURT AND ONCE IT IS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!

I would like to think that I have taken these little pearls of wisdom to heart and it forms part of me and how I treat people...I may be deluded but I like to think that I am a bit more aware of what I do or say...obviously I am also aware that the best people to confirm this will be others that experience me...none the less I BELIEVE!!!!!!!

I often come away with questions about why things have happened and how it could have been better. Sometimes I get the answers other times I just don't know how..then you turn to those you supposedly trust hoping that they may help but then they to give you a bit of a frown...I don't enjoy that...it is just too much hard work.

I sometimes just wish I could wrap people in cotton wool to protect them...but I also know that each of us have a responsibility and an ability to protect ourselves...with that in mind though I still feel so sad when I see things happen...

Sometimes I feel able, confident, strong and so on and so forth...but other times I feel terribly helpless...the latter I do not like to feel and therefore I must react and that often is to point out how actions and words can be interpreted...and you know what... it comes back and bites me right in my backside...what is the lesson for me here because there is definitely one for me to learn...

I still firmly believe that a little bit of kindness goes a long way...lets see if that little bit of kindness reaches someone today...I need to see it not to feel so despondent about it...I know there is good in each and everyone of us lets all just try and tap into that!!!!!