It is now eight days since my operation. Every day since I have been getting better and even though I was still experiencing pain it was mixed with excitement.
I am anxious for what lies ahead. NO DOUBT.
However, I am excited!!!!
I have my first follow up appointment in a few days and I hope that things are going well. I am looking forward to not have the pain and swelling and being able to eat like a semi adult. At the moment I am much like a baby eating like one and currently I am on fluids for two more weeks.
I can't wait though because what lies ahead is exciting and so new.
This is the result of my BIG DECISION.
Lets see how we go.
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
Friday, 28 June 2013
Poverty vs Parenting
The hot debate at the moment. Not that there is much to debate about but certainly a lot to sooth the conscience of those considering the pitfalls of modern living and the dilemmas within it.
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Friday, 3 May 2013
Naming doodidilooo..lol an unfinished thought
As a young person I wasn't as fortunately as many of my friends were ...well at least I thought they were fortunate...my life as a three year old was very different to what it was when I turned eight, then thirteen and then sixteen..
I would always say I would never change my life as it was through experiencing my life that I am now living my life as it is now. That does not mean that it is without it's challenges but it is certainly a life way different and a life that has given me so much opportunities that I remain grateful for it.
At three I was told by someone in my family that I could read...now I cannot remember such a thing myself but I like the idea of it so that memory became mine. It is only now with some wisdom that I realise the difference between a memory that is recalled and a memory that is given. I liked the memory and can still see myself sat in a corner with a newspaper but I am also very aware that that may not be a memory of mine.
Anyway as I grew older my life took me down the path of imagination and I liked living there..it was so much easier than my reality...man I could never name it but I was stressing, I was becoming so negative and down trodden that I wished to come away from my life...and being in my imaginary world was the only way I could manage.
Getting presents or having new clothes were always a privilege of others ...I don't know I may have desired it but I cannot ever remember feeling that I deserved it....we were taught to never be envious and to always say when commenting on something someone else have by saying 'masha-allah' which means you show appreciation for what the other person has but that you are not envious of it...that was how I got my head around it...
Anyway so I on one occasion commented on a lady's skirt and said that 'masha-allah'. The lady was a friend of my mother's and through their visiting I became friends with the lady as well. The lady then gave me the skirt because I liked it and I took great care of it.
I can't remember having too many things but I can remember taking great care of what I had. Looking back I realise that I was quite possessive of my stuff and had some attachment to it...this was proven when I was ironing my skirt.. 'the skirt'...and for some reason I did not check the heat level and as such burnt a nice little hole...oooooo I was sad ...I felt like I have lost something huge...it was then that I decided that things will no longer become so important to me that I would feel this sad when I no longer have it. Funny that - self protection in the weirdest form.
Anyway I then developed an appreciation for having things but a 'I don't care' when I no longer had it...I got rid of things before I could get too attached...and that is how I go about dealing with my things...well that is what I thought I was doing...but then I realise that I name my stuff..and naming stuff indicates a form of attachment doesn't it....
So I have zoomy my vacuum and I have Polly my car to name a few. I sit now thinking about why I named it. Is it because of the issues around attachment to stuff, is it me showing appreciation for the stuff I have, is it some childhood fantasy where most all things are named ...I don't know I am a little mad at least the latter I am certain of.
I think that maybe I have hardened myself against losing some of my stuff and have managed to deal with the loss in a different way but that in fact I have not closed myself against feeling good about having these things and feeling proud in having it. This to me seem to have led to some emotion being linked to these things and it means great things to me....as this is so I feel a sense of loss when something happens e.g. it gets damage....maybe just maybe all of this means a lot more than just these superficial things...maybe these things are linked to deeper confirmation for me on a level to do with person value and worth etc and therefore any loss of thing may mean at some deep deep level that some of my worth or value is taken from me....I don't know it could be!!!!!
I would always say I would never change my life as it was through experiencing my life that I am now living my life as it is now. That does not mean that it is without it's challenges but it is certainly a life way different and a life that has given me so much opportunities that I remain grateful for it.
At three I was told by someone in my family that I could read...now I cannot remember such a thing myself but I like the idea of it so that memory became mine. It is only now with some wisdom that I realise the difference between a memory that is recalled and a memory that is given. I liked the memory and can still see myself sat in a corner with a newspaper but I am also very aware that that may not be a memory of mine.
Anyway as I grew older my life took me down the path of imagination and I liked living there..it was so much easier than my reality...man I could never name it but I was stressing, I was becoming so negative and down trodden that I wished to come away from my life...and being in my imaginary world was the only way I could manage.
Getting presents or having new clothes were always a privilege of others ...I don't know I may have desired it but I cannot ever remember feeling that I deserved it....we were taught to never be envious and to always say when commenting on something someone else have by saying 'masha-allah' which means you show appreciation for what the other person has but that you are not envious of it...that was how I got my head around it...
Anyway so I on one occasion commented on a lady's skirt and said that 'masha-allah'. The lady was a friend of my mother's and through their visiting I became friends with the lady as well. The lady then gave me the skirt because I liked it and I took great care of it.
I can't remember having too many things but I can remember taking great care of what I had. Looking back I realise that I was quite possessive of my stuff and had some attachment to it...this was proven when I was ironing my skirt.. 'the skirt'...and for some reason I did not check the heat level and as such burnt a nice little hole...oooooo I was sad ...I felt like I have lost something huge...it was then that I decided that things will no longer become so important to me that I would feel this sad when I no longer have it. Funny that - self protection in the weirdest form.
Anyway I then developed an appreciation for having things but a 'I don't care' when I no longer had it...I got rid of things before I could get too attached...and that is how I go about dealing with my things...well that is what I thought I was doing...but then I realise that I name my stuff..and naming stuff indicates a form of attachment doesn't it....
So I have zoomy my vacuum and I have Polly my car to name a few. I sit now thinking about why I named it. Is it because of the issues around attachment to stuff, is it me showing appreciation for the stuff I have, is it some childhood fantasy where most all things are named ...I don't know I am a little mad at least the latter I am certain of.
I think that maybe I have hardened myself against losing some of my stuff and have managed to deal with the loss in a different way but that in fact I have not closed myself against feeling good about having these things and feeling proud in having it. This to me seem to have led to some emotion being linked to these things and it means great things to me....as this is so I feel a sense of loss when something happens e.g. it gets damage....maybe just maybe all of this means a lot more than just these superficial things...maybe these things are linked to deeper confirmation for me on a level to do with person value and worth etc and therefore any loss of thing may mean at some deep deep level that some of my worth or value is taken from me....I don't know it could be!!!!!
Religion vs Spirituality
Now this a personal view and I hope that who ever reads this will accept it as such.
I was brought up in a home where religion was important and followed as best we could. Religion was never forced but lived. I guess it was because I believed that living my life a certain way was indication enough to those around me as to how much of a believer I really was. Knowing that I did my very best in living a good life seem to have been enough for me and my family. I can't profess to be the best at it but I can certainly say that I continue to live my life in a certain manner that makes me believe I am being the best I can be at this time.
Now.. I have never been one for wearing the garb and behaving in a manner others may believe would be more appropriate. For me it is about what my intentions are and in many ways I also believe that I am following the rules of the religion and following example as we are asked to do...Adapting, seeking knowledge, whilst at all times remembering the higher power. Of course we all show our commitment to this differently. It depends on the individual but somehow some believe that you have to do only certain things and that would only be considered. I am sad to say that I don't do to well in following all these rules...I am one of those who believe that I am able to think, understand and interpret readings myself and that even though some may want me to follow the interpretations of men I am unfortunately a great disappointment.
Anyway that aside.
I have had some conversations with individuals about what they believe in and am astounded often by the fact that there are people who live side by side with us that profess to be atheist, or that they do not believe in a GOD, or that they have no religion etc etc. Now this is their prerogative..Some would also say I am more spiritual than religious...and I often wonder what is the difference...I know I can go have a look in the dictionary but I don't know why but I have not done the latter...
For me spirituality and religion is not far removed. Religion as it is meant to be... not the religion informed by men and constructed to fit. That in my mind is just a form of control and have been for many years. I think that is what people don't feel too happy about...they wised up and are now defiant...we will not follow a religion that is limiting or dictating how we live or should live...or a religion that promotes power to some but not others.
So I believe from what my friends explain to me they have now chosen the word spiritual to describe their belief so to distinguish themselves.
What I think is that even though we say we are non believers or spiritual and all the rest we are quite dependent on the basics that we have been provided through religion and belief. Morality stems from the teachings in religion. Morality being what keeps us in line almost...our laws are linked to morality...our emotional wellbeing is often linked to the knowledge that we...humans...are protected by God's hand...or that the challenges we face in our lives are often what makes us stronger....
Sometimes I think that just maybe my friends are fighting a fight that relates to them not wanting to be followers, wanting to be unique etc and therefore they are spiritual alone...me on the other hand believe that I have a religion and I am spiritual and the one do not go without the other. I don't believe that I am a follower and that I am pretty unique in my own way...a lot of what I believe may be the same as many others do but how I interpret them and live my life is what makes me unique..the fact that some of my friends are so occupied with not wanting to have a religion that they have actually fallen fowl to their fears of being whatever they believe they would become if they do...
I don't think I would ever not want to have a belief ...I know many would argue about God or the God concept...I think this is the way things have been explained to us as humans because it would be too difficult for us to understand otherwise...there will always be things we don't get and we are not meant to know it all...I am comfortable in the knowledge that things have happened in life over many many years that may boggle my mind and that I am comfortable in the knowledge that no matter what happens in life..in my life that I will never be alone...the knowledge that I can talk to a higher power about what bothers me and that this gives me comfort...this is enough for me..sometimes that conversation can never be had with a person because what you need is a feeling of non judgement and who is best placed to not be judgemental?
I am often astounded and impressed at the way we as humans go about managing our own lives and ultimately beliefs. I would never say don't do it but I would sit and wish I could say 'have you ever sat back and thought about it a little bit deeper?'.
There are many mysteries in life and even more so to human behaviour and often I am curious more so about human behaviour. My behaviour often surprises me but behaviour and thinking processes demonstrated by my friends are often much more interesting...
So religion and spirituality is only one tiny bit of the conversation that intrigues because from there we could talk about other very interesting things....hhhmmmmmm I can't wait...Knowledge café here I come!!!!!!!! Scientist likes their experiments and so do I ....not that I am a scientist but I am certainly interested.
I was brought up in a home where religion was important and followed as best we could. Religion was never forced but lived. I guess it was because I believed that living my life a certain way was indication enough to those around me as to how much of a believer I really was. Knowing that I did my very best in living a good life seem to have been enough for me and my family. I can't profess to be the best at it but I can certainly say that I continue to live my life in a certain manner that makes me believe I am being the best I can be at this time.
Now.. I have never been one for wearing the garb and behaving in a manner others may believe would be more appropriate. For me it is about what my intentions are and in many ways I also believe that I am following the rules of the religion and following example as we are asked to do...Adapting, seeking knowledge, whilst at all times remembering the higher power. Of course we all show our commitment to this differently. It depends on the individual but somehow some believe that you have to do only certain things and that would only be considered. I am sad to say that I don't do to well in following all these rules...I am one of those who believe that I am able to think, understand and interpret readings myself and that even though some may want me to follow the interpretations of men I am unfortunately a great disappointment.
Anyway that aside.
I have had some conversations with individuals about what they believe in and am astounded often by the fact that there are people who live side by side with us that profess to be atheist, or that they do not believe in a GOD, or that they have no religion etc etc. Now this is their prerogative..Some would also say I am more spiritual than religious...and I often wonder what is the difference...I know I can go have a look in the dictionary but I don't know why but I have not done the latter...
For me spirituality and religion is not far removed. Religion as it is meant to be... not the religion informed by men and constructed to fit. That in my mind is just a form of control and have been for many years. I think that is what people don't feel too happy about...they wised up and are now defiant...we will not follow a religion that is limiting or dictating how we live or should live...or a religion that promotes power to some but not others.
So I believe from what my friends explain to me they have now chosen the word spiritual to describe their belief so to distinguish themselves.
What I think is that even though we say we are non believers or spiritual and all the rest we are quite dependent on the basics that we have been provided through religion and belief. Morality stems from the teachings in religion. Morality being what keeps us in line almost...our laws are linked to morality...our emotional wellbeing is often linked to the knowledge that we...humans...are protected by God's hand...or that the challenges we face in our lives are often what makes us stronger....
Sometimes I think that just maybe my friends are fighting a fight that relates to them not wanting to be followers, wanting to be unique etc and therefore they are spiritual alone...me on the other hand believe that I have a religion and I am spiritual and the one do not go without the other. I don't believe that I am a follower and that I am pretty unique in my own way...a lot of what I believe may be the same as many others do but how I interpret them and live my life is what makes me unique..the fact that some of my friends are so occupied with not wanting to have a religion that they have actually fallen fowl to their fears of being whatever they believe they would become if they do...
I don't think I would ever not want to have a belief ...I know many would argue about God or the God concept...I think this is the way things have been explained to us as humans because it would be too difficult for us to understand otherwise...there will always be things we don't get and we are not meant to know it all...I am comfortable in the knowledge that things have happened in life over many many years that may boggle my mind and that I am comfortable in the knowledge that no matter what happens in life..in my life that I will never be alone...the knowledge that I can talk to a higher power about what bothers me and that this gives me comfort...this is enough for me..sometimes that conversation can never be had with a person because what you need is a feeling of non judgement and who is best placed to not be judgemental?
I am often astounded and impressed at the way we as humans go about managing our own lives and ultimately beliefs. I would never say don't do it but I would sit and wish I could say 'have you ever sat back and thought about it a little bit deeper?'.
There are many mysteries in life and even more so to human behaviour and often I am curious more so about human behaviour. My behaviour often surprises me but behaviour and thinking processes demonstrated by my friends are often much more interesting...
So religion and spirituality is only one tiny bit of the conversation that intrigues because from there we could talk about other very interesting things....hhhmmmmmm I can't wait...Knowledge café here I come!!!!!!!! Scientist likes their experiments and so do I ....not that I am a scientist but I am certainly interested.
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Love
Love when it was read about always gave me a warm smiley feeling...I loved it and along with it came a lot of romanticised views that over the years influenced how I think about things even today. ...so today I could still be described as a Barbara Cartland fan even though I have not read a Mills and Boons book for ever such a long time..funny I think.
When I think of love it means a lot to me but I often only use it when I want to share with the honey that I get that warm smiley feeling when I think about him. ... I'd love to say that is the only way it is used but it is not...in todays world this word is often used to mislead people to give false hope and to embarrass...maybe overused with no actual meaning
Love for family is very different from the love you feel for your husband or wife (or whatever version you currently find yourself in)...I never really thought too much about it but I now realise that actually it is all about how the feeling of love influences our behaviour (human behaviour) towards one another...that is why people on the outside looking in often can see before the person can, that they are in love....the fact that there may be small changes in how you respond to the boy sitting in the same class than you or on the same playground as you...say a sneaky look, a faraway look in your eyes when they talk or even worse when you write your name in your school book to see how it would look if you had his surname or what would your signature look like ...lol ...done them all and it was serious then now it is funnnnnnyyyyyy!!!!!!
With family the feeling love is present but it is not often expressed or said...not in my family at least...now this is when we were children....it was a feeling assumed. You know what though that was a safe assumption. Despite all the stuff going on in our life we could make those assumptions and feel that, you know what, there was light at the end of the tunnel...
That believe that the hardship, bad feelings, poor days etc etc can only go on for so long...that the day that started bad will come to an end and tomorrow will be a new day, that the stress or anxiety you feel for exams or just going to school without the right colour socks would all come to an end in a short period of time...I guess that was my survival...and the fact that there was love there... just not as evident as my romanticised views had me believe.... was necessary.
Anyway the walk we took on a Saturday morning and dreaming of a future home in the mountain, getting a small packet of niknaks as a treat, sharing a steak sandwich that my mother brought back from her job in a take aways ...too name but a few ...that was what made me feel loved, that made me feel that my sister, brother and mother was very important to me....but you know what STILL I DID NOT SAY I LOVED THEM because the assumption was safely made.
Then came the love ...LOVEEEEEEEE smoochy kind....Oh how I desired that for such a long time but never did I feel I would ever be loved in that way...such a strong belief that I actually made choices in my life that did not open me up for it...funny when I think about it now but hell it was hard when I was younger....so hard that I would dream, cry, distance, self-destruct and everything else to prevent me from getting hurt, disappointed or REJECTED...bloody hell our life then, our circumstance and our belief certainly influences how we think about things and often what decisions we make. hmmmmm some food for thought.
Well I finally got to fall in love....not as a teenager, or a young adult but a more mature adult. I think in many ways I am thankful because what came with that feeling of being in love well.....
Excited yes I was, smiling yes I was, feeling light in mood yes I was, I want to see him or hear his voice or feel his hand yes to all of that. Hahahahaha just like a teenager with a difference...I managed these like a mature woman would.
Well then along with all the above came that other feelings of wonder who his with, wonder if he loves me, why is he not touchy feely, is it because I am not beautiful enough etc etc...
Love is meant to make you feel stronger more secure but often it doesn't...for a long time I knew this was happening but could not quite understand or maybe I was not ready to realise what it really meant...what I knew was that ambivalence was what I experienced a lot of the time...the emotions love and hate or strong feelings or derivatives of it was in conflict with each other...then I knew that is what you agree to when you decide to fall in love...at least that was what I was thinking went on for me.
So loving someone also allows you to feel comfortable enough to act stupidly or harshly or overly so...with the one you say you love...and vice versa.
So with the lovely feeling of warmth and smiles I had to prepare myself for moments of doubt, fear and hurt. It is the agreement you sign on invisible papers and with an invisible ink...
Once upon a time I wondered if I wanted to engage in this foolishness...obviously I decided that I would. I am happy to dance the dance of lovers because I think I am the biggest scaredy cat and being without the person I know I love would be too painful to actually see a way ahead of me...no no no a feeling I want to avoid most of all is the latter.
That feeling of fear doesn't discriminate... It makes you feel the same when it is a family member or someone you LOVEEEEEEE.
So I made my choice and I know what scares me....have you decided where you at?
Saturday, 20 April 2013
HOW HARD IT MUST BE
Too many things nowadays that we have to be careful of and for. I think over the years our world has become smaller and we do not have as much room to take risks as we did when we were children...ok ok so I talk to those of my generation...yes I played outside next to the road sometimes in the road competing with another as to who can jump up and down the pavements exchanging feet ...wow that was exciting times...then of course we played outside unsupervised...
So I ask what is it really that makes our world smaller..is it that the human race is becoming nastier, giving in to their evil side more often than they did before or is it that the human race is becoming ruled by fear and therefore they put in place rules and laws and systems that they feel will make them safer...
The result of course is that our free world for which we fought so hard is becoming smaller..that freedom is slowly disappearing...why? ...well I think it is because we decided somewhere along the line that it is safer to not take risks, to not do much and therefore made our world smaller and every year it gets smaller and smaller...our children are now indoors more than outdoors, they don't know how to write or process thought because they have computers doing that for them, they can hardly spell or socialise because of technology (texting etc etc)...when they finally do take risks they can get hurt ...
So many years ago we had less knowledge and I think there was great benefits to the not knowing and having to find out bit...now we know too much and we find that as a race we are turning against each other...we are imploding...we hunt ourselves.
So many years ago the message was that socialisation, good nurturing and at times disciplining and at times giving them some freedom...our children that is....was essential to allow them to get stronger and be able to survive the world, negotiate the shit that may come their way etc......This is the same message that I still hear but somehow it is not working as well as it did so many years ago...are we too controlled...are we too PC ....are we too scared....are we too desperate to show the rest of world that we look good on paper while we fall apart in real life....who are we measuring against?
How do we make things better...I guess all policy makers ask the same question but very often more policies and more laws are not the answer...maybe we should decided to live a life that would allow us to feel more in control ...one where technology, laws and policies are not ignored but certainly where their existence don't limit ours and common sense step in...our children encouraged to empathise with others, get hurt and ask for help, care for their peers and carry their parents in their hands and hearts ....
I remember being told that I must respect my elders always refer to them with respect...not their name as I am a child, to always remember that your parents are the anchors that keeps you humble....I choose to continue to believe that and I wish that some of our children today out there decide to join me because I believe our world will be so much better.
IT MUST BE HARD for some but heck it is not impossible....
So I ask what is it really that makes our world smaller..is it that the human race is becoming nastier, giving in to their evil side more often than they did before or is it that the human race is becoming ruled by fear and therefore they put in place rules and laws and systems that they feel will make them safer...
The result of course is that our free world for which we fought so hard is becoming smaller..that freedom is slowly disappearing...why? ...well I think it is because we decided somewhere along the line that it is safer to not take risks, to not do much and therefore made our world smaller and every year it gets smaller and smaller...our children are now indoors more than outdoors, they don't know how to write or process thought because they have computers doing that for them, they can hardly spell or socialise because of technology (texting etc etc)...when they finally do take risks they can get hurt ...
So many years ago we had less knowledge and I think there was great benefits to the not knowing and having to find out bit...now we know too much and we find that as a race we are turning against each other...we are imploding...we hunt ourselves.
So many years ago the message was that socialisation, good nurturing and at times disciplining and at times giving them some freedom...our children that is....was essential to allow them to get stronger and be able to survive the world, negotiate the shit that may come their way etc......This is the same message that I still hear but somehow it is not working as well as it did so many years ago...are we too controlled...are we too PC ....are we too scared....are we too desperate to show the rest of world that we look good on paper while we fall apart in real life....who are we measuring against?
How do we make things better...I guess all policy makers ask the same question but very often more policies and more laws are not the answer...maybe we should decided to live a life that would allow us to feel more in control ...one where technology, laws and policies are not ignored but certainly where their existence don't limit ours and common sense step in...our children encouraged to empathise with others, get hurt and ask for help, care for their peers and carry their parents in their hands and hearts ....
I remember being told that I must respect my elders always refer to them with respect...not their name as I am a child, to always remember that your parents are the anchors that keeps you humble....I choose to continue to believe that and I wish that some of our children today out there decide to join me because I believe our world will be so much better.
IT MUST BE HARD for some but heck it is not impossible....
Friday, 12 April 2013
Who Woulda THUNK
Well who would have thunk!!!! Me water walking ...Me knowing what water walking is all about!!!
So I water walk every Sunday and manages to do it for about an hour...me and water seem to have a much better relationship than me and those demon machines...I am looking at one now...and let me tell you it has been looking at me for the past week telling me YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON YET....my response is a FINGER.
The exercise has taken off...along with me becoming a bit more social and making friends. I always thought that I was ok at making friends but actually I am quite bad. I realise only now that I have always been surrounded by my friends who was also my family..I never really needed more than that...in fact I was never taught how to socialise outside of my family....I thought then and still think now that I was very lucky...I had the best of friends and enemies that you could tell on and get and aunt or uncle take them to task..hahahahaha...I think I did that a few times.
I managed to connect though...how I did that I am not sure but heck I am just glad that I did...I have now got at least two friends in NZ..friends outside of work. Someone I enjoy socialising with be it a movie, be it a day trip, be it bra shopping or be it just eating and playing a game. FUN!!!!!!
In a short period of time I came to appreciate that I certainly need someone outside of my home and work environment to actually feel good...it is a nice feeling though...it is no longer all about work. For too long the latter was how things went and boredom drove me in that direction...so I guess I can say that I am no longer as bored as I was before.
I dove into the act of being social and have thus far hosted a games afternoon and a high tea...who would have THUNK ne!!!!! The games evening was so nice my honey commented on it and said he was really happy for me...can you believe he was watching to see if all went well...what was he going to do if it didn't that is my question...and my answer (it is my world hey) is that he was going to step in and make it fun for me. Who would have THUNK that he would be so protective of me...I am 43 after all lol.
A friend cooked for us and the result was fabulous. She was very busy as you can see in the picture. I took a few pictures as evidence. Once again I DO LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE COOKS FOR ME...I can say with confidence that I would not have made such good work of the task.
For my high tea he seemed more comfortable to leave me alone with my guests. Maybe because his sisters were my guests lol...that to was a wonderful experience even though my scones turned out to be someone like bricks, the cucumber sandwiches had no seasoning etc etc...despite that I enjoyed the company...Some very nice pictures of this venture was posted on FB and unfortunately I am not techy enough to add those to my story.
This weekend I am home with no plans but I am off to do my water walking tomorrow...that is enough to put a smile on my face...I have my little bag packed, my house is clean and not much energy is needed to laze around the house...because I will be knackered after my water walking, the sauna and then the Jacuzzi...it takes so much energy but I am happy to give it all the energy I can muster. Oh and by the way there is NO WAY that I will be adding photos of this venture...you can imagine why lol.
I can't wait for Sunday this is the same Sunday I do not like very much....such a good feeling if your days are enjoyed rather than dreaded...bye bye boredom.
So I water walk every Sunday and manages to do it for about an hour...me and water seem to have a much better relationship than me and those demon machines...I am looking at one now...and let me tell you it has been looking at me for the past week telling me YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ON YET....my response is a FINGER.
The exercise has taken off...along with me becoming a bit more social and making friends. I always thought that I was ok at making friends but actually I am quite bad. I realise only now that I have always been surrounded by my friends who was also my family..I never really needed more than that...in fact I was never taught how to socialise outside of my family....I thought then and still think now that I was very lucky...I had the best of friends and enemies that you could tell on and get and aunt or uncle take them to task..hahahahaha...I think I did that a few times.
I managed to connect though...how I did that I am not sure but heck I am just glad that I did...I have now got at least two friends in NZ..friends outside of work. Someone I enjoy socialising with be it a movie, be it a day trip, be it bra shopping or be it just eating and playing a game. FUN!!!!!!
In a short period of time I came to appreciate that I certainly need someone outside of my home and work environment to actually feel good...it is a nice feeling though...it is no longer all about work. For too long the latter was how things went and boredom drove me in that direction...so I guess I can say that I am no longer as bored as I was before.
A friend cooked for us and the result was fabulous. She was very busy as you can see in the picture. I took a few pictures as evidence. Once again I DO LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE COOKS FOR ME...I can say with confidence that I would not have made such good work of the task.
For my high tea he seemed more comfortable to leave me alone with my guests. Maybe because his sisters were my guests lol...that to was a wonderful experience even though my scones turned out to be someone like bricks, the cucumber sandwiches had no seasoning etc etc...despite that I enjoyed the company...Some very nice pictures of this venture was posted on FB and unfortunately I am not techy enough to add those to my story.
This weekend I am home with no plans but I am off to do my water walking tomorrow...that is enough to put a smile on my face...I have my little bag packed, my house is clean and not much energy is needed to laze around the house...because I will be knackered after my water walking, the sauna and then the Jacuzzi...it takes so much energy but I am happy to give it all the energy I can muster. Oh and by the way there is NO WAY that I will be adding photos of this venture...you can imagine why lol.
I can't wait for Sunday this is the same Sunday I do not like very much....such a good feeling if your days are enjoyed rather than dreaded...bye bye boredom.
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