Sunday...three days before I move on to stage three. I cannot wait because stage two has taken its toll on me. I realise that I have to have patience with this process and certainly with myself. I know what I need to do but my old ways still present a bit of an obstacle. I want to keep busy and think that there is not enough to keep me occupied. Thus I want to move towards the normal habit to occupy my time...work. Well that is the habit I must break but what I really need to face is that I just do not have patience with myself. If I learn to take things slowly, manage things in the present and stop wanting to put it in the past I am sure I will gain so much more from it all. In order to do this I need to identify alternative activities that can keep me occupied on those occasions when it is needed. I am sure I can manage that.
First things first..how do I become more aware on what I have just identified as areas to work on...well I had a bit of a read and there is a four week course that I can only benefit from. It is to do with living in the present, being calm in ones approach to challenges and realising that planning forward is likely to be less compromising if one does it with a clear and calm head.
This week this will be my focus. I will enrol in this course and once I have done that I will consider activities e.g. gym or hobbies; that can occupy my time. I will deliberately move away from work so to break that habit.
I know this will be a challenge for me but it is now time that I put myself first and in order to be successful in my current journey I have to put myself first. In doing so it means that I have to accept that there is others as experienced and capable as I am that can manage the work. Letting Go!!!
The time has come to Let Go of that which I have no control over and Take Control of that which I do.
Sunday, 2 October 2016
Friday, 23 September 2016
I CHOOSE ME
I have been thinking about how comfortable I am with tracking my journey in a public arena. I decided that I am not all that comfortable with it but that I am comfortable enough to give some insight into what I think of my journey so far.
I never really thought that life was going to be easy but I always knew that I was going to be comfortable enough in it because I tend to believe that what I am faced with is what is meant to be facing me. My strength is in my experiences.
Well this remains my thinking but I have now taken it upon myself to make a significant change in my life and at my age it was a decision long thought about and long avoided. What I realise is that sometimes we make decisions but it takes a while for us to get our head around these decisions and that when we are ready in every way only then we can act.
It is like biting the first bit of the chocolate and knowing that you will not stop until the chocolate is done. Guilty after but enjoyed every bite. Well this is also what happens when we make decisions that are internalised over time. When we take that first bite you must be sure that you will finish. This is me right now. I have taken the first bite.
Looking back I realise that I have actually been thinking about this change for a long time (years in fact) since my very good friend took that step. At that time I was still thinking I could do THIS my way. Well I tried for years and years on I committed to myself on a different level. So now I am chewing the chocolate of life and I am really sure that I will be finishing.
You see doing something as big as this is not an easy way it is quite possibly the most difficult road to take and obviously people choose the easy way first. Well so many easy pathways has led to just another disappointment. My journey now hold me fast to what I want to achieve. I will achieve this because I have committed to myself and decided that I will be doing this for me and reap the benefits that comes with it.
I must admit that when my mind was made up it was not too challenging to move towards the DUE date. The DUE date has come and gone and I am now on a long term journey. The result WHO KNOWS...what ever it may be it will be better than what I was before the 14 September this I believe whole heartedly.
I can't wait to see what results I am able to produce but I can say that every day is one where I am present in every sense of the word. Now I am working on being mindful of everything I do and how I do it. I am a strong believer that Awareness is our best asset. If you are aware of yourself, your behaviour, your surrounding, you past and present and others in these environments then you are more able to be satisfied with who you are. You are more able to be honest with yourself. The latter being a fantastic tool to have in my kiti...honesty will keep me exactly where I need to be when I talk to myself because my journey is for and between ME, MYSELF AND I.
Please do comment below if my post holds something for you.
I never really thought that life was going to be easy but I always knew that I was going to be comfortable enough in it because I tend to believe that what I am faced with is what is meant to be facing me. My strength is in my experiences.
Well this remains my thinking but I have now taken it upon myself to make a significant change in my life and at my age it was a decision long thought about and long avoided. What I realise is that sometimes we make decisions but it takes a while for us to get our head around these decisions and that when we are ready in every way only then we can act.
It is like biting the first bit of the chocolate and knowing that you will not stop until the chocolate is done. Guilty after but enjoyed every bite. Well this is also what happens when we make decisions that are internalised over time. When we take that first bite you must be sure that you will finish. This is me right now. I have taken the first bite.
Looking back I realise that I have actually been thinking about this change for a long time (years in fact) since my very good friend took that step. At that time I was still thinking I could do THIS my way. Well I tried for years and years on I committed to myself on a different level. So now I am chewing the chocolate of life and I am really sure that I will be finishing.
You see doing something as big as this is not an easy way it is quite possibly the most difficult road to take and obviously people choose the easy way first. Well so many easy pathways has led to just another disappointment. My journey now hold me fast to what I want to achieve. I will achieve this because I have committed to myself and decided that I will be doing this for me and reap the benefits that comes with it.
I must admit that when my mind was made up it was not too challenging to move towards the DUE date. The DUE date has come and gone and I am now on a long term journey. The result WHO KNOWS...what ever it may be it will be better than what I was before the 14 September this I believe whole heartedly.
I can't wait to see what results I am able to produce but I can say that every day is one where I am present in every sense of the word. Now I am working on being mindful of everything I do and how I do it. I am a strong believer that Awareness is our best asset. If you are aware of yourself, your behaviour, your surrounding, you past and present and others in these environments then you are more able to be satisfied with who you are. You are more able to be honest with yourself. The latter being a fantastic tool to have in my kiti...honesty will keep me exactly where I need to be when I talk to myself because my journey is for and between ME, MYSELF AND I.
Please do comment below if my post holds something for you.
Thursday, 22 September 2016
Relevance
I posted this in 2013 but think the discussion is still quite relevant. Tell me what you think!
Friday, 28 June 2013
Poverty vs Parenting
The hot debate at the moment. Not that there is much to debate about but certainly a lot to sooth the conscience of those considering the pitfalls of modern living and the dilemmas within it.
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Tuesday, 20 September 2016
Big DECISIONS leads to a different LIFE
It is now eight days since my operation. Every day since I have been getting better and even though I was still experiencing pain it was mixed with excitement.
I am anxious for what lies ahead. NO DOUBT.
However, I am excited!!!!
I have my first follow up appointment in a few days and I hope that things are going well. I am looking forward to not have the pain and swelling and being able to eat like a semi adult. At the moment I am much like a baby eating like one and currently I am on fluids for two more weeks.
I can't wait though because what lies ahead is exciting and so new.
This is the result of my BIG DECISION.
Lets see how we go.
I am anxious for what lies ahead. NO DOUBT.
However, I am excited!!!!
I have my first follow up appointment in a few days and I hope that things are going well. I am looking forward to not have the pain and swelling and being able to eat like a semi adult. At the moment I am much like a baby eating like one and currently I am on fluids for two more weeks.
I can't wait though because what lies ahead is exciting and so new.
This is the result of my BIG DECISION.
Lets see how we go.
Friday, 28 June 2013
Poverty vs Parenting
The hot debate at the moment. Not that there is much to debate about but certainly a lot to sooth the conscience of those considering the pitfalls of modern living and the dilemmas within it.
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Anyway I listened and heard and thought and concluded that actually it depends on how one looks at these two very relevant social issues to guide your thoughts about it....at this moment in time I feel that there is so much that links these two issues to each other that one cannot argue or debate it with the intention of separating it from each other. For me they are so interlinked that one will not get agreement in the current debate. However, I have a life experience that helps me in my thinking.
Growing up in poverty, of course the way I know poverty, always thinking about where are we going to get money, can we afford bread, stressing about paying debt, feeling so numb at times that the end of the week that people nowadays look forward, was always feared and the wish existed that it would never come...it held too many memories (bad I must add) of saying that "sorry we don't have money to pay'...after many years of this one feel so worthless and value certainly vanishes...that you would get stuck in the rut of poverty, not believing and feeling..... really bad.
Of course poverty is never good but I would have given everything to have had money every week or at least some money coming into the home so we could afford food or more thereof.
If it was left up to poverty on it's own I can see how my life would have been so much different. It drags one down and leaves you there for you to step right over or walk right over yourself...yes because eventually you become your worst enemy with a view that someone else needs to do something for you so you can feel better...well that was a hell of a wake up call for me and I am sure for many other...that actually it is up to me to make change and by doing that I could see a way out.
Looking back now from where I am now to where I was then I realise that parenting played a huge part in my getting up and dusting myself off. Now my parents did the best they could which in todays eyes may have been a miserable failure...my father liking his drink and not able to provide for us and when he does work he used to bring us the remnants of his party which at most was a small packet of crisps and a load of guilt which often came in a cup early in the morning ...YES TEA. Lovely memories but so linked to bad ones that you wonder if you are a bit weird to think it was lovely.
My mother on the other hand was a hard worker and she did this with the best of intensions because we had to survive but it also allowed her a bit of an escape from the hard side of being at home...she had eight hours working hard but of bliss...but it was a good way of her surviving...I don't blame her and actually feel really blessed to have had her.
Me my sister and brother we were home, we had to think about food, we had to think about how much money can we get to get food, we had to think about the debtors and how we were going to tell them we have no money this week, we had to think about the list of food stuffs we can get from this measly bit of money...it was very hard for us but we did it...We hated each other and loved each other because we suffered together.
Again I must say that we got stronger and we had some parenting that allowed us to want better...my mother always saying sabr children God only give you what you need to get stronger, dad showing us that you can show love in so many different ways, sharing with each other and others is where your Baraka (blessing) lies. Be good to other and they will be good to you. Dream big and look keep that dream ahead so you know what you working towards...we used to walk on a Saturday morning, going visiting my aunt and cousins, and we would dream of our home in the mountain with garage ...why in the mountains I have no idea but maybe it was because it was high and no one would be able to get to us or maybe we thought that having a house so high was synonymous of what we get to be in life ...I don't know but we held that dream so dear.
Support was what we had certainly from my mother...celebrating with us when we did well at school, staying up late waiting for your results, giving you a candle to study by knowing that you will be doing so in the bathroom in the bath...wow those are such powerful memories it makes me feel nostalgic.
Never forgetting my father who showed us that we need to value all people doesn't matter what race, colour or creed...teaching us that hate brings no benefit the best way to fight todays demons is to make yourself better one step at a time...never think that the change will be achieved at once it needs you to do something and continue to do it in order to get the change affected from that level. I remember on the train station that my dad never made us feel any less than anyone else despite the fact that there was this little placards saying 'whites only'...it never bothered me. We got where we needed to and we ate and drank to sustain us...in a way I thank my dad for teaching me that no one human has the right to make you less than what you are.
Looking back on my life I see the possibilities that presented to me during a very hard poor existence and feel that these possibilities exists for everyone. As hard as one fights to deal with depression and the knowledge that getting better lies with you ...that is exactly how hard you have to fight to get out a situation that does not make you feel good...while you breath and can greet every morning you have the power and no one can take that from you.
It is therefore that I hold the view that poverty on it's own does not equal dysfunction...that parenting on it's own or lack thereof does not equal dysfunction...but that the two together is a heck of a doozy...however, no matter what that doozy it is not the end and that some good parenting in a poor situation equals possibilities...it doesn't have to be much...only the ambition, the pride, the responsibility and the kindness and belief is what you need to make something as BAD as that work for you...and it can WORK because I know of many that have come out on the other side ME included.
So again I say you can be as poor as that but if you have parents who love you and give you some good input dysfunction will mean a different thing.
Life is never too hard, it is always what Allah mean it to be for you...it is for you to be patient and find the lesson and the growth...In my family we children always say SABR when we want something but can't have it immediately...you know why...because we will get it soon!!!!!!
Friday, 3 May 2013
Naming doodidilooo..lol an unfinished thought
As a young person I wasn't as fortunately as many of my friends were ...well at least I thought they were fortunate...my life as a three year old was very different to what it was when I turned eight, then thirteen and then sixteen..
I would always say I would never change my life as it was through experiencing my life that I am now living my life as it is now. That does not mean that it is without it's challenges but it is certainly a life way different and a life that has given me so much opportunities that I remain grateful for it.
At three I was told by someone in my family that I could read...now I cannot remember such a thing myself but I like the idea of it so that memory became mine. It is only now with some wisdom that I realise the difference between a memory that is recalled and a memory that is given. I liked the memory and can still see myself sat in a corner with a newspaper but I am also very aware that that may not be a memory of mine.
Anyway as I grew older my life took me down the path of imagination and I liked living there..it was so much easier than my reality...man I could never name it but I was stressing, I was becoming so negative and down trodden that I wished to come away from my life...and being in my imaginary world was the only way I could manage.
Getting presents or having new clothes were always a privilege of others ...I don't know I may have desired it but I cannot ever remember feeling that I deserved it....we were taught to never be envious and to always say when commenting on something someone else have by saying 'masha-allah' which means you show appreciation for what the other person has but that you are not envious of it...that was how I got my head around it...
Anyway so I on one occasion commented on a lady's skirt and said that 'masha-allah'. The lady was a friend of my mother's and through their visiting I became friends with the lady as well. The lady then gave me the skirt because I liked it and I took great care of it.
I can't remember having too many things but I can remember taking great care of what I had. Looking back I realise that I was quite possessive of my stuff and had some attachment to it...this was proven when I was ironing my skirt.. 'the skirt'...and for some reason I did not check the heat level and as such burnt a nice little hole...oooooo I was sad ...I felt like I have lost something huge...it was then that I decided that things will no longer become so important to me that I would feel this sad when I no longer have it. Funny that - self protection in the weirdest form.
Anyway I then developed an appreciation for having things but a 'I don't care' when I no longer had it...I got rid of things before I could get too attached...and that is how I go about dealing with my things...well that is what I thought I was doing...but then I realise that I name my stuff..and naming stuff indicates a form of attachment doesn't it....
So I have zoomy my vacuum and I have Polly my car to name a few. I sit now thinking about why I named it. Is it because of the issues around attachment to stuff, is it me showing appreciation for the stuff I have, is it some childhood fantasy where most all things are named ...I don't know I am a little mad at least the latter I am certain of.
I think that maybe I have hardened myself against losing some of my stuff and have managed to deal with the loss in a different way but that in fact I have not closed myself against feeling good about having these things and feeling proud in having it. This to me seem to have led to some emotion being linked to these things and it means great things to me....as this is so I feel a sense of loss when something happens e.g. it gets damage....maybe just maybe all of this means a lot more than just these superficial things...maybe these things are linked to deeper confirmation for me on a level to do with person value and worth etc and therefore any loss of thing may mean at some deep deep level that some of my worth or value is taken from me....I don't know it could be!!!!!
I would always say I would never change my life as it was through experiencing my life that I am now living my life as it is now. That does not mean that it is without it's challenges but it is certainly a life way different and a life that has given me so much opportunities that I remain grateful for it.
At three I was told by someone in my family that I could read...now I cannot remember such a thing myself but I like the idea of it so that memory became mine. It is only now with some wisdom that I realise the difference between a memory that is recalled and a memory that is given. I liked the memory and can still see myself sat in a corner with a newspaper but I am also very aware that that may not be a memory of mine.
Anyway as I grew older my life took me down the path of imagination and I liked living there..it was so much easier than my reality...man I could never name it but I was stressing, I was becoming so negative and down trodden that I wished to come away from my life...and being in my imaginary world was the only way I could manage.
Getting presents or having new clothes were always a privilege of others ...I don't know I may have desired it but I cannot ever remember feeling that I deserved it....we were taught to never be envious and to always say when commenting on something someone else have by saying 'masha-allah' which means you show appreciation for what the other person has but that you are not envious of it...that was how I got my head around it...
Anyway so I on one occasion commented on a lady's skirt and said that 'masha-allah'. The lady was a friend of my mother's and through their visiting I became friends with the lady as well. The lady then gave me the skirt because I liked it and I took great care of it.
I can't remember having too many things but I can remember taking great care of what I had. Looking back I realise that I was quite possessive of my stuff and had some attachment to it...this was proven when I was ironing my skirt.. 'the skirt'...and for some reason I did not check the heat level and as such burnt a nice little hole...oooooo I was sad ...I felt like I have lost something huge...it was then that I decided that things will no longer become so important to me that I would feel this sad when I no longer have it. Funny that - self protection in the weirdest form.
Anyway I then developed an appreciation for having things but a 'I don't care' when I no longer had it...I got rid of things before I could get too attached...and that is how I go about dealing with my things...well that is what I thought I was doing...but then I realise that I name my stuff..and naming stuff indicates a form of attachment doesn't it....
So I have zoomy my vacuum and I have Polly my car to name a few. I sit now thinking about why I named it. Is it because of the issues around attachment to stuff, is it me showing appreciation for the stuff I have, is it some childhood fantasy where most all things are named ...I don't know I am a little mad at least the latter I am certain of.
I think that maybe I have hardened myself against losing some of my stuff and have managed to deal with the loss in a different way but that in fact I have not closed myself against feeling good about having these things and feeling proud in having it. This to me seem to have led to some emotion being linked to these things and it means great things to me....as this is so I feel a sense of loss when something happens e.g. it gets damage....maybe just maybe all of this means a lot more than just these superficial things...maybe these things are linked to deeper confirmation for me on a level to do with person value and worth etc and therefore any loss of thing may mean at some deep deep level that some of my worth or value is taken from me....I don't know it could be!!!!!
Religion vs Spirituality
Now this a personal view and I hope that who ever reads this will accept it as such.
I was brought up in a home where religion was important and followed as best we could. Religion was never forced but lived. I guess it was because I believed that living my life a certain way was indication enough to those around me as to how much of a believer I really was. Knowing that I did my very best in living a good life seem to have been enough for me and my family. I can't profess to be the best at it but I can certainly say that I continue to live my life in a certain manner that makes me believe I am being the best I can be at this time.
Now.. I have never been one for wearing the garb and behaving in a manner others may believe would be more appropriate. For me it is about what my intentions are and in many ways I also believe that I am following the rules of the religion and following example as we are asked to do...Adapting, seeking knowledge, whilst at all times remembering the higher power. Of course we all show our commitment to this differently. It depends on the individual but somehow some believe that you have to do only certain things and that would only be considered. I am sad to say that I don't do to well in following all these rules...I am one of those who believe that I am able to think, understand and interpret readings myself and that even though some may want me to follow the interpretations of men I am unfortunately a great disappointment.
Anyway that aside.
I have had some conversations with individuals about what they believe in and am astounded often by the fact that there are people who live side by side with us that profess to be atheist, or that they do not believe in a GOD, or that they have no religion etc etc. Now this is their prerogative..Some would also say I am more spiritual than religious...and I often wonder what is the difference...I know I can go have a look in the dictionary but I don't know why but I have not done the latter...
For me spirituality and religion is not far removed. Religion as it is meant to be... not the religion informed by men and constructed to fit. That in my mind is just a form of control and have been for many years. I think that is what people don't feel too happy about...they wised up and are now defiant...we will not follow a religion that is limiting or dictating how we live or should live...or a religion that promotes power to some but not others.
So I believe from what my friends explain to me they have now chosen the word spiritual to describe their belief so to distinguish themselves.
What I think is that even though we say we are non believers or spiritual and all the rest we are quite dependent on the basics that we have been provided through religion and belief. Morality stems from the teachings in religion. Morality being what keeps us in line almost...our laws are linked to morality...our emotional wellbeing is often linked to the knowledge that we...humans...are protected by God's hand...or that the challenges we face in our lives are often what makes us stronger....
Sometimes I think that just maybe my friends are fighting a fight that relates to them not wanting to be followers, wanting to be unique etc and therefore they are spiritual alone...me on the other hand believe that I have a religion and I am spiritual and the one do not go without the other. I don't believe that I am a follower and that I am pretty unique in my own way...a lot of what I believe may be the same as many others do but how I interpret them and live my life is what makes me unique..the fact that some of my friends are so occupied with not wanting to have a religion that they have actually fallen fowl to their fears of being whatever they believe they would become if they do...
I don't think I would ever not want to have a belief ...I know many would argue about God or the God concept...I think this is the way things have been explained to us as humans because it would be too difficult for us to understand otherwise...there will always be things we don't get and we are not meant to know it all...I am comfortable in the knowledge that things have happened in life over many many years that may boggle my mind and that I am comfortable in the knowledge that no matter what happens in life..in my life that I will never be alone...the knowledge that I can talk to a higher power about what bothers me and that this gives me comfort...this is enough for me..sometimes that conversation can never be had with a person because what you need is a feeling of non judgement and who is best placed to not be judgemental?
I am often astounded and impressed at the way we as humans go about managing our own lives and ultimately beliefs. I would never say don't do it but I would sit and wish I could say 'have you ever sat back and thought about it a little bit deeper?'.
There are many mysteries in life and even more so to human behaviour and often I am curious more so about human behaviour. My behaviour often surprises me but behaviour and thinking processes demonstrated by my friends are often much more interesting...
So religion and spirituality is only one tiny bit of the conversation that intrigues because from there we could talk about other very interesting things....hhhmmmmmm I can't wait...Knowledge café here I come!!!!!!!! Scientist likes their experiments and so do I ....not that I am a scientist but I am certainly interested.
I was brought up in a home where religion was important and followed as best we could. Religion was never forced but lived. I guess it was because I believed that living my life a certain way was indication enough to those around me as to how much of a believer I really was. Knowing that I did my very best in living a good life seem to have been enough for me and my family. I can't profess to be the best at it but I can certainly say that I continue to live my life in a certain manner that makes me believe I am being the best I can be at this time.
Now.. I have never been one for wearing the garb and behaving in a manner others may believe would be more appropriate. For me it is about what my intentions are and in many ways I also believe that I am following the rules of the religion and following example as we are asked to do...Adapting, seeking knowledge, whilst at all times remembering the higher power. Of course we all show our commitment to this differently. It depends on the individual but somehow some believe that you have to do only certain things and that would only be considered. I am sad to say that I don't do to well in following all these rules...I am one of those who believe that I am able to think, understand and interpret readings myself and that even though some may want me to follow the interpretations of men I am unfortunately a great disappointment.
Anyway that aside.
I have had some conversations with individuals about what they believe in and am astounded often by the fact that there are people who live side by side with us that profess to be atheist, or that they do not believe in a GOD, or that they have no religion etc etc. Now this is their prerogative..Some would also say I am more spiritual than religious...and I often wonder what is the difference...I know I can go have a look in the dictionary but I don't know why but I have not done the latter...
For me spirituality and religion is not far removed. Religion as it is meant to be... not the religion informed by men and constructed to fit. That in my mind is just a form of control and have been for many years. I think that is what people don't feel too happy about...they wised up and are now defiant...we will not follow a religion that is limiting or dictating how we live or should live...or a religion that promotes power to some but not others.
So I believe from what my friends explain to me they have now chosen the word spiritual to describe their belief so to distinguish themselves.
What I think is that even though we say we are non believers or spiritual and all the rest we are quite dependent on the basics that we have been provided through religion and belief. Morality stems from the teachings in religion. Morality being what keeps us in line almost...our laws are linked to morality...our emotional wellbeing is often linked to the knowledge that we...humans...are protected by God's hand...or that the challenges we face in our lives are often what makes us stronger....
Sometimes I think that just maybe my friends are fighting a fight that relates to them not wanting to be followers, wanting to be unique etc and therefore they are spiritual alone...me on the other hand believe that I have a religion and I am spiritual and the one do not go without the other. I don't believe that I am a follower and that I am pretty unique in my own way...a lot of what I believe may be the same as many others do but how I interpret them and live my life is what makes me unique..the fact that some of my friends are so occupied with not wanting to have a religion that they have actually fallen fowl to their fears of being whatever they believe they would become if they do...
I don't think I would ever not want to have a belief ...I know many would argue about God or the God concept...I think this is the way things have been explained to us as humans because it would be too difficult for us to understand otherwise...there will always be things we don't get and we are not meant to know it all...I am comfortable in the knowledge that things have happened in life over many many years that may boggle my mind and that I am comfortable in the knowledge that no matter what happens in life..in my life that I will never be alone...the knowledge that I can talk to a higher power about what bothers me and that this gives me comfort...this is enough for me..sometimes that conversation can never be had with a person because what you need is a feeling of non judgement and who is best placed to not be judgemental?
I am often astounded and impressed at the way we as humans go about managing our own lives and ultimately beliefs. I would never say don't do it but I would sit and wish I could say 'have you ever sat back and thought about it a little bit deeper?'.
There are many mysteries in life and even more so to human behaviour and often I am curious more so about human behaviour. My behaviour often surprises me but behaviour and thinking processes demonstrated by my friends are often much more interesting...
So religion and spirituality is only one tiny bit of the conversation that intrigues because from there we could talk about other very interesting things....hhhmmmmmm I can't wait...Knowledge café here I come!!!!!!!! Scientist likes their experiments and so do I ....not that I am a scientist but I am certainly interested.
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